About Me

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South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna (15) and Angelee (12) and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. 3 years ago our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! "Love in Action" is our journey as a family to love the way Jesus is teaching us to love and live.

Blog Archive

26 April 2012

Today was a hard day

Today was a hard day for me. We drove back to Cape Town. The last time we made this beautiful drive I was pregnant and full of hope for a miracle. The closer we got here today, the more painful my heart began to feel. So many memories. Precious memories of so much love, but also memories that bare the scars of my deepest pain. This is the place where I last got to hold my son. It is also the place where we scattered his ashes. For me, although we are in a totally different area of Cape Town and for a different reason, wherever I look I am reminded of my joy and pain. Today I ache so deeply and grieve such a deep loss. Wherever I look there are precious babies. Their cries pierce such a tender place of longing in my heart for a certain little boy that i got the priviledge to birth. I miss my son and wrestle the hurt of dissapointment! It has been a while since the pain has been as intense as it is today, but i remind myself to be honest and take my pain, hurt and dissapointment to the One who bore my griefs and burdens on the cross. He is the One who continues to reach nail scarred hands of grace out to me and reminds me that He understands and is willing to carry this cross for me. He allows me to be honest with just how hard this journey can be and He soothes my heart with assurance of His unfailing love. He reminds me that it is ok to cry hard sometimes. He listens when I ask "why" and pour out the disappointment of a broken mothers heart. And then He sends arms to hold me when I cry. He whispers my name into people's hearts and they write to tell me that they have been praying for me and then I know. I know that tomorrow is going to be a better day and that somehow, joy will come in the morning. In fact, joy will come even in the mourning. I know that His grace will once again sustain me and draw me closer still to my precious Saviour. This trip is significant for me. We will be here until Sunday. Interestingly enough, this Sunday marks the 7th month of Zac's birth. There is purpose in these next 3 days here. For today though, I am going to close my eyes and rest in this beautiful Francshhoek bed & breakfast and allow my Jesus to restore my aching heart. Jesus, I look to You. Jannie xxx


Patti said...

Oh Janine, I am so so very sorry. I just had a miscarriage two nights ago after knowing our baby died 5 weeks ago. I'm drowning in self pity and trying to pull myself out of it. Your pain is so much worse- I'm sorry, dear sister, and I will be praying hard for you. Lots of hugs from Oregon to SA. oxoxoxox

beth bennett said...

My prayers go out to you. and I think you are amazing. Jesus is close to the broken-hearted so he is close to you.


JustEllaBella said...

Some days truly knock the wind out of you :( but joy comes in the morning. U are forever in my prayers ((hug))

Janine said...

Precious Patti, I am so heart sore to read of your loss. Please know that I am praying for your broken heart. I am praying that you will encounter Grace so tender and so very strong that only God can bring to carry you through this time of loss, pain and grief. You are so very close to my heart.

Janine said...

Thank you Beth for your precious words of encouragement that are a balm to my heart. I can truly say that these last 7 months have shown me that Jesus is indeed so close to me through the joys and the sadness. The verse you share has become a living reality. How faithful our Jesus truly is!

Janine said...

El - I know you know and I love you dearly even though we have never met. Our similar stories have brought us together. Love you and am praying for you too as you negotiate good and hard days too.

Annelie said...

Hi Janine
I just realise in what a "small" world we live. Friends of us in CT looked after the children in Franschoek that weekend. Dont know if you met them..precious couple with such an awesome testimonies. They've got 9 babies waiting for them in heaven. After adopting a son, were blessed with a fourth pregnancy and their son is almost a year now. So after so much pain blessed with 5 children. Merinda will always be such an awesome woman to me. When I saw you were in Franschoek on fb and really hoped you meet Merinda. Anyway my friend there's many days that I hold my Daniel and ache in my heart for you. Today was one of them!

Janine said...

Wow Annelie, I am amazed at what your friend has gone through. We never took our kids with us, so we never got the opportunity to meet your friend. I would loved to have met her. So precious to hear how God has walked through healing and restoration with them.