About Me

South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna and Angelee and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. A year and a half later, our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! This blog has been a place where I have been able to journal my journey through loss, hope and choosing to live a life rich in love.

Blog Archive

23 July 2012

Just a Jan update ;0)

Tomorrow I am 3 months pregnant! Woohoo! I can feel the nausea easing up and hopefully my energy makes a grand return from here on in. My appetite has definitely kicked back in and my latest favourite is spinach ravioli. I'm not even going to confess to how many times I ate it last week ... nor are we going to laugh that it's in my fridge for supper tonight! hee hee.
I am so looking forward to this new trimester ahead. We get to see joy-bean's growth next week. I am so looking forward to seeing how baby has been growing. I'm almost convinced I can feel this little one dancing inside my belly some days. :0) I still stand amazed that God has added back to us one more treasure. I can't help but wonder who this little treasure is. The family is all in love already. One thing is for sure - this little one is saturated in joy, hope and love. 
So much is happening in my heart. The Lord continues to walk me through the journey of loss and healing in so many amazing ways. He is patient with me and all the layers that I unpack with Him through this crazy walk we have gone through. Almost 10 months later and the longing for a certain serious faced little boy still holds my heart and always will. His gaze into my eyes as He passed into Heaven will forever be burned into my heart. To witness such peace and glory has forever impacted me. People sometimes ask me if it is still hard. Yes. When a child passes on ahead of you, it changes you forever in many ways. You walk a little differently (actually - a lot differently!), but because of the closeness of Jesus there IS hope in the journey. In the week after Zac graduated my dad reminded me of something Joyce Meyer says: "Never trust anyone who doesn't walk with a limp". When we consider how Jacob wrestled with God until his physical walk changed and he came through that experience with a new name and a life of blessing, we see hope! It's ok to walk with a bit of a limp when we can testify to having encountered God personally and been forever changed by His love and closeness! That is one of the sweetest treasures I have gleaned from this past year. Jesus stands so close to all who hurt. The hope is that there is not a single place that we face that He will not come and meet us in. This is the God who continually says to us "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me." (Revelation 3:20). I love that picture. Jesus stands at the door of our lives with the heart to be involved intimately with every aspect of our heart and lives. He sees, cares and loves! He takes action. He is continually knocking on the door of our hearts waiting for an invitation to "visit" with us.  
While it is not an easy walk, God continues to remind Brett and I as we negotiate the deep waters of child-loss how our son will never actually be "lost" to us. He is alive with God and we are alive to God. Nothing can separate us from the love of God and that which He has given us. Zac is just "around the corner" ... but there will come a glorious day when we get to turn that corner too :0) He continues to teach us to look with eyes through an eternal perspective. When we lift our gaze ... hope and joy shines brightly. God keeps reminding me to never pretend! Honesty to face the layers with Him is what carries me through the tougher days. Also learning to teach my girls to always be honest about their pain too and to talk whenever they need to talk and process. Sometimes the layers are hard and ugly! It's hard to face anger, disappointment, wanting to draw back, questioning elements of your faith and 101 other emotions ... but what I can testify to is that God is so patient to negotiate every one of those facets with intense and unwavering love. His love makes it impossible for me to cast away my faith in His faithfulness. I will always be able to declare with absolute confidence that God is a GOOD God!
I shared with you at the beginning of my pregnancy I woke up with the phrase "expect blessing" loud and clear in my heart from the Lord. He continues to expound this to me. When fear tries to crowd it's way into my thinking, His assurance rings louder ... "expect blessing"! What I love about God is that He is not just words. He is action!! His love ALWAYS takes action. To convince me over and over to expect blessing, He is overwhelming me with such precious blessings! For starters, He knows how Brett and I have always wanted to get away for a little island holiday. Well ... just in time for hubby's 40th, the Lord blessed him with a wonderful business deal and an incredible offer to be able to go to Mauritius for a week in 2 weeks time! We are sooooo excited! This year was our 15th wedding anniversary so it's  like a second honeymoon for us. Talk about blessing! This is the God who delights to give His children the desires of their hearts. And as if that wasn't blessing enough, the Lord has graciously blessed my sister and I with tickets to fly over to the US to visit my precious mom for 12 nights in a months time! It just blows me away!! He sees to every detail. He knows how I want to share part of this pregnancy with my precious mom and He has provided a way at a time when I will have all my energy back to really enjoy it. God is so faithful and loving. So friends ... watch this space. With my new camera at hand, it looks like I am about to have plenty of opportunities to be posting pictures of these wonderful adventures up ahead. 
Well ... that's it from me for today. Know that right now I am praying for each person who might read this post and am trusting that you too will begin to "expect blessing" and stand in wonder as He opens your eyes to see all the many ways that He delights to bless and love you. 
All my love xxx

13 July 2012

The Holidays and a Rainy Day

The girls have been on holiday for the last 3 weeks. It's been bliss! We even managed to drive to Jozi to visit the family last week. I'm blessed to be surrounded by Brett's wonderful family here, but I miss my Jozi family. Thankfully we always manage to make a plan to see each other every few months. It was so wonderful to spend a little little time with my family and see the girls play to their hearts content with their cuzzies. This time around we didn't race around from place to place. I'm still feeling so nauseous and tired and the thought of eating out makes me feel green. We pretty much stayed home and just relaxed together. The only person missing from my side of the family was my sweet mommy in the US. How we missed her! We managed to take the girls to Gold Reef City and they both went on their very first roller coaster rides. I was so proud of how brave they were. They had a ball. Daddy had to brave all the rides with the girls and their cuzzies. He was fearless and I was super impressed! I wasn't allowed on the rides this time. It was so weird having to stand back and watch all the fun as I remembered braving all the rides as a teenager, but to see their joy is what it's all about. My prize ... the best shwarma I've ever tasted for lunch. Finally something that didn't make me feel like gagging. The only bummer ... now I crave them and they don't have a store here in PE!!!!  
We also got to visit my sister and brother in law's new house. Such joy to see these blissful newly weds so well settled into married life in their gorgeous new home. On the long drive home we decided to sleep over at a little farm b&b. It was freezing but gorgeous. The girls even got to bottle feed a sweet little buck named Bambi. A real highlight for them after so many hours driving. 
This week the girls and I have spent in doors trying to get over a nasty dose of flu. And my word ... the rain is pouring and set to pour all weekend long. It's definitely hibernating weather!!! Earlier this week I was feeling very sorry for myself with no real meds to take, but as I woke up this morning I decided to remind myself just how blessed we are. It takes a rainy day where we are all snuggled up with blankets to remember how big the small things are in our lives. Shelter. Warmth. Food. Love in our home. These are all massive blessings that I never want to take for granted. 
So from me to you on a freezing rainy day ... I'm sending you big hugs and love.