Love in Action Journey

A little while ago I wrote a post about  when the unthinkable happens , and all we can see or feel is the brokenness in our lives. It's in those moments that we are faced with the daily choice of whether to stay focussed on the pain ... or to recognise that we also have the choice to find beauty even in the midst of our pain. My journey these last 5 years has consistently taught me that there is One who stands closest to the brokenhearted and that He is more than willing to infuse me with strength and joy no matter how volatile the storm feels within, and that searching into His eyes calms the fiercest of storms.   At this point please allow me to give you a sneak peak into my humanity. Before you read the above and think even for a moment that I've mastered that art of choosing best all the time, let me assure you that I have by no means got it all together! Ask my family ... they will humour you with many stories of the work-in-process that I am. Take for instance...

It's late, but I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for ages. Finally, I've crawled out of bed and found a cozy little corner in my lounge, wrapped up in my warmest gown. (Shew but it's quiet when everyone is asleep!) There is a word stuck in my heart that I need to explore with you tonight. " Beloved " . Short and sweet. Simple, yet deeply profound in turning our lives around. Here's what's rolling around in my heart ... It all started with a greeting I read in the book of 3 John 1:2. "Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers." That simple little verse has arrested my heart on and off for weeks now. Lately, God has been dealing with me graciously (and p-a-t-i-e-n-t-l-y) about "decluttering" my heart and everyday life from things that are stealing my time and drawing away my focus from where it needs to be in order for me to thrive and prosper (like this verse...

This time of year is a very tender time for me. I see a few heart-sore moments every now and then with my girls and hubby as we remember. The heart ache resurfaces in little ways and allows us to become honest in negotiating different layers in the grief journey. This time of year approaches the 2 year mark since our precious Zac was born and then passed on. The memories often flash through my mind in unguarded moments. I've learned to embrace the memories even with the tinge of pain that they bring. I've come to learn that being honest with the process of grief and having to negotiate pain does not in any way diminish the incredible work of healing, joy and restoration that God has so lovingly been pouring into our hearts. In fact, being honest to face it in truth with Jesus just allows deeper aspects of healing and restoration. Time with Jesus has shown me over and over again that with the pain, there is always healing and grace in His outstretched hands. As painful as some ...

I am moody, sad, emotional, teary, mad and 101 different grief filled emotions and yet still I feel His arms enfold me. That is what you call a faithful Saviour. He takes me as He finds me and draws me near. His voice is tender and soothing. He loves away at the ache and He fills me with fresh hope. Only Jesus. Forever grateful Lord ... forever grateful.  Janine xxx

Tonight is another one of those nights where the tears do not want to stop falling. Everything inside of me feels so broken that I wonder how I will ever feel whole again. I feel like I am permanently negotiating a million different emotions in a day. There are moments where hope is so clear that I can glimpse a perspective more beautiful than my brokenness would dare for me to believe, but then there comes a moment like this afternoon that knocks my breathe away ... my daughters taking turns at falling into my arms in floods of tears at the injustice of such a short lifespan for their little brother. How do I take their pain away? Or the moment where I cried with my sister today as I realized that I could never again hold the beautiful blue and green quilt that she lovingly made for Zac, because the day that he died I could not bare for him to be taken away from me without being wrapped up in something warm that was woven in love and prayers, made with faith in the promise of hope. M...

After a Saturday jam packed with so many "grief milestones" I have to say that I started the week on an emotional low. I had just negotiated my first baby shower after Zac's "graduation", a kiddies birthday party with mommy's who last saw me preggy and meeting the sweetest little baby boy, but watching my daughters pain written all over her face when holding him and having her cry later because neither her or her sister could understand why they cannot have their baby brother anymore. So many big questions to which I could not give all the answers to. It was just so much for my broken mommy's heart. Everything about my weekend highlighted one fact loud and clear to me ... I'm " that " woman ... the one that I never ever thought I ever would be. The one that I always had such compassion for but could never really be able to say 'I know how you feel', because up until 7 weeks ago, I never would have ever understood how hard her walk...

Hubby is out for a movie night with his brother and the girls are tucked into bed after a busy day of studying for exams. I don't know who is swatting harder - my eldest or me ;-) I feel like I am getting my grade 4 education all over again! Not a bad thing I suppose, because I am finally learning those times tables of by heart! hee hee As I write tonight the rain is falling. What a soothing and relaxing sound. There is nothing like being indoors with an opportunity to simply lie in bed and listen to the rain pouring. It is a cleansing sound. It makes my heart smile because we finally planted our rose garden for Zac last week and all this rain is exactly what my roses need. (I have to take a photo of our budding garden and post it soon.) I am so enjoying learning something new ... gardening. My precious Mommy Darling was here visiting me for Zac's celebration service when the roses started arriving. I have such beautiful memories of walking around the nursery, each picking...

Today was the big drive to Cape Town. As I woke up and switched my phone on, my phone started beeping with message after message. This continued throughout the whole drive and even now as I get ready to go to bed ... an absolute outpouring of love and encouragement. Brett and I have never experienced so much love and support from the body of Christ like we are right now in our lives! People around the world, many we know and even more that we have never had the privilege of meeting are carrying us in prayer and standing with us in faith as we await in faith the miracle of Zac's birth. To all of you who have written to us, phoned us, messaged us and walked alongside of us ... thank you! Through your love we see Jesus so clearly. He has raised up a mighty army to walk with us and celebrate with us as we get ready to receive our miracle boy.  We have seen God go before us every step of this faith walk. Today was just another example of that. Where fear would have loved to have crep...

I had such a delightful day today. As I am still on holiday at my sisters house we kicked off the day with some good exercise in her gigantic pool. There is nothing like feeling Summers warmth on your face as the fresh water wakes up your entire body! Makes you feel so alive. It also makes me so mindful of the blessing of a strong and healthy body that I can so easily take for granted in the rush of everyday life.  We then got the house ready for lunch with some family. I just love it when lunch turns into afternoon tea and then before you know it, it is almost supper time! It was time well spent in great conversation and laughter which left me encouraged, inspired and enriched.  This evening all the cousins and my little sister from my dad's lovely wife are having a sleep over. The giggles of 5 excited little girls makes me smile. Too precious for words =0) We guzzled down sushi and pizza's and ended it all off with Cinnabuns. Could this day get any better??? Yip .....

So the family and I took a looooooooong drive yesterday and today to Johannesburg. I cannot believe that I was here only 12 days ago, but it is so good to be back with the whole family. The drive felt sooooo long with the kids asking every half an hour if we were almost there yet!! But it also warmed my heart to sense their excitement to be reunited with their beloved Lala (their granny who they haven't seen in a year),Poppi, precious cousins, aunty, uncle and Nan. I am going to sleep with such a happy heart tonight. Content. Family ... the best place on earth for us today! 

One thing I am sentimental about is creating memories. I personally believe that we are all given choices each day of the type of memories we want to create.  Last night I was feeling so homesick. I am missing my sweet girls and my precious gorgeousness something fierce. Then the opportunity arose to create a wonderful memory. My two sweet nieces came and had a "sleep-over" in my bedroom last night. We giggled like little school girls (that's because they are little school girls. Me - I had no excuse =0). I wish I could have taken some photos to share of our fun but my camera died on me. There were mattresses on the floor, blankets and teddy bears every where. At the age of 33 I too was presented with a favourite teddy to sleep with. I have to say it came in handy as I am missing my big handsome teddy-bear back home =)  Today held more precious memories. The best in seeing my sweet Gran and mom embrace after a long year apart. What a joy to see their eyes light up as they...

I'm busy tucking into a tub full of mixed sweeties as I write tonight. (I don't know about you but I CANNOT just have one boring sweet - I love options ... so I buy a whole different stash and pour them into a big container and wait for the different taste sensations to hit).  Usually I feel a little guilty about tucking into my stash (I have a whole sweetie cupboard happening in the kitchen - I know ... how naughty is that!). Tonight, there is no guilt ... I am just reveling in the bright happy colours ... and the delightful variety. And as I ponder that ... I can't help but smile when I think about the mix of us humans all walking around living our little lives here on earth. How God must truly smile as He looks at us all and celebrates our differences. It makes me look at my little family with new eyes. Instead of trying to clone my little ones into "mini-me's" ... I want to revel and delight in their colourful uniqueness! Who knew you could find deeper mea...

After a late night up last night working through my emotions over a misunderstanding and a thoughtful days pondering, a girl can feel a little drained ... but then today the Lord reminded me of this beautiful scene that He graciously allowed me to see last month. Little did I know that He would teach me even more than I took in on the day that I looked out and enjoyed this beautiful view. This picture taken at Central Park in New York reminds me of the quiet, yet strong peace that God offers us each day. In the middle of one of the busiest cities of the world lies a green oasis offering rest, refreshing and quiet for those who need some "time out" and renewed perspective from the crazy pace of city life. As my mom, sis and I spent a day last month running around that exciting city we all experienced an interesting experience. We had spent the morning walking to so many interesting and exciting places, but by 12am we were ready for some lunch and a  well deserved rest for ...