Today was a hard day for me. We drove back to Cape Town. The last time we made this beautiful drive I was pregnant and full of hope for a miracle. The closer we got here today, the more painful my heart began to feel. So many memories. Precious memories of so much love, but also memories that bare the scars of my deepest pain. This is the place where I last got to hold my son. It is also the place where we scattered his ashes. For me, although we are in a totally different area of Cape Town and for a different reason, wherever I look I am reminded of my joy and pain. Today I ache so deeply and grieve such a deep loss. Wherever I look there are precious babies. Their cries pierce such a tender place of longing in my heart for a certain little boy that i got the priviledge to birth. I miss my son and wrestle the hurt of dissapointment! It has been a while since the pain has been as intense as it is today, but i remind myself to be honest and take my pain, hurt and dissapointment to the One who bore my griefs and burdens on the cross. He is the One who continues to reach nail scarred hands of grace out to me and reminds me that He understands and is willing to carry this cross for me. He allows me to be honest with just how hard this journey can be and He soothes my heart with assurance of His unfailing love. He reminds me that it is ok to cry hard sometimes. He listens when I ask "why" and pour out the disappointment of a broken mothers heart. And then He sends arms to hold me when I cry. He whispers my name into people's hearts and they write to tell me that they have been praying for me and then I know. I know that tomorrow is going to be a better day and that somehow, joy will come in the morning. In fact, joy will come even in the mourning. I know that His grace will once again sustain me and draw me closer still to my precious Saviour.
This trip is significant for me. We will be here until Sunday. Interestingly enough, this Sunday marks the 7th month of Zac's birth. There is purpose in these next 3 days here. For today though, I am going to close my eyes and rest in this beautiful Francshhoek bed & breakfast and allow my Jesus to restore my aching heart.
Jesus, I look to You.
Jannie xxx
At heart I am an encourager, so this is a place for me to share hope and encouragement with you in my journey of learning to live a life of love in action.
Comments
beth
I just realise in what a "small" world we live. Friends of us in CT looked after the children in Franschoek that weekend. Dont know if you met them..precious couple with such an awesome testimonies. They've got 9 babies waiting for them in heaven. After adopting a son, were blessed with a fourth pregnancy and their son is almost a year now. So after so much pain blessed with 5 children. Merinda will always be such an awesome woman to me. When I saw you were in Franschoek on fb and really hoped you meet Merinda. Anyway my friend there's many days that I hold my Daniel and ache in my heart for you. Today was one of them!