About Me

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South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna (15) and Angelee (12) and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. 3 years ago our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! "Love in Action" is our journey as a family to love the way Jesus is teaching us to love and live.

Blog Archive

01 October 2014

3 years sweet Zac xxx

Dear Zac,
Today is another significant day for us as your family. Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday and today your "Heavenly birthday". While we have come a long way from the excruciating pain of loss, our hearts still miss you dearly. It comforts my heart as your mom to write out the thoughts in my heart and take the time to sit and remember the precious moments entrusted to us through the time Father God gave us with you. I like to imagine our precious Jesus holding you in His lap reading you my letter ;0) I know where you are and have peace in that, but man how I long for even just a tiny little glimpse of the sweet little toddler that you have blossomed into in Heaven and just one more beloved snuggle. I continue to write out my heart, because over these last 3 years I have come to meet many other precious moms and dads who are hurting from walking similar journeys. My prayer is that the healing that Father God has so graciously been working out in our hearts would somehow be a healing balm of hope to others who may happen to read this. Writing for me has become a gift that enables me to process and see the hope that I have in God even through the path of pain, because its been in this journey that I have encountered just how personally Christ tends to the brokenhearted and redeems. 
Just yesterday ... I experienced this yet again. Grief is the weirdest thing ... just when I thought I had a handle on facing the ache with another birthday without you, I woke up to a new trigger. As the girls ran into the room declaring your birthday, a pang of pain hit my heart that you are the only child that the phone won't ring for early in the morning to hear family sing "happy birthday" to. I didn't want to get all down in front of the family, especially after your big sister declared that your birthday should become our "thanksgiving day". I love that idea! So I kept my pain hidden in a quiet corner of my heart. Here's where God once again showed Himself to me to be so personal and present where my heart is concerned ... because within minutes of me silently hurting, the telephone rang to your very precious aunty Niqui and cuzzies calling to say they had a special song to sing in honour of their little cuzzie that they miss on his birthday. Well I cannot tell you what that meant to me! The fact that Father God saw a silly, random, emotionally-irrational thought in my aching-mommy-heart and  cared so much as to nudge my brave sister's heart to follow through without knowing how I was feeling just bowls me over with renewed hope and healing that God cares so individually and continues to comfort and mend. Nobody knew what was in my heart but Him, and next year I probably won't need a birthday song to be sung, but this birthday I did, and He saw it and gave me a gift to remind me that He sees and understands. It allows me to smile even in my aching for you. Only Jesus. How he continues to move in compassion through people to send us precious messages,  practical love, surprise flowers, cake & gifts and even a lovely supper from a compassionate friend. How loved we feel. 
And so to honour your significance in our lives we decided to write some messages on balloons to send off to you, cut a very special cake made by your special aunty Julie and give thanks for the gift that you continue to be in our lives.
Even your baby brother got in on the action and drew you a picture :0)
There is no way that your sisters will allow your birthday to pass without acknowledging you and making sure we celebrate and I am thankful for that because in doing so, we have the opportunity to declare that God has indeed been so kind and good to us to have entrusted your life and story to us to share well. We will continue to do that sweet boy on the good days and the heartsore days.
Today we will go out and find a new rose to add to your beautiful living garden and imagine the vibrant life that you are living in Him. Full of joy, health, peace and love and we will choose to smile. I know that you know how much we all love you and that you delight to see us choosing life and joy in our everyday living and so we will continue to heal and share the love of God to people, because you are our everyday reminder of the grace of God and that Heaven is for real ;0) So have a slice of "angel pie" with all the little friends that I know you have made up there.
Daddy, sisters and brother send you so much love too. Hope you liked all our funny messages and happy green balloons. So glad your precious grandparents were all together to eat cake and celebrate with us yesterday. Special memories indeed.
All our love forever xxx
Mommy, 

6 comments:

Kathleen Packer (nee Wocke) said...

My sweetest Janine....how well I remember those days before Zac was born...the prayers, the hope and the love....it was a special time in my life as I saw GOd speak thru Zac to me declaring that our hope is in Him alone! And so I salute you and your hubby on parenting your 3 beautiful children here on earth thru this time and how they have so joyously embraced ZAc and his life and his life now in heaven. It is a living breathing testimony that goes out to many harts dear one...even now 3 years later....and I believe until Jesus comes! So take heart and be blessed and Happy Birthday Zac....I bet the cake in heaven is splendiferous!! Love you lots dear heart and see you soon !! Lol and beeg hugs to you all!! x x x

Anne said...

My precious friend. So emotional reading his blog. Sorry that I didn't call or message you but I'm doing it now! Wish I was there with you to give you a big hug and tell you how amazing you are. Your strength and courage are an inspiration to me. I have never known the pain of losing a child but I do know that He is waiting for you in heaven and someday not far away he will wrap his strong, manly arms around you and say "I've been waiting for you mom". I love you and am thinking about you. Xxx

Liesl said...

Hi Janine

You are such a blessing and encourager to anyone who has ever experienced the pain and loss of losing a loved one, and more so a precious child. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of such a loss for a mother. Your blog has touched the deepest corners of my heart and your bravery to open up and share your innermost thoughts and feelings are indeed a healing balm.

Whilst reading your entry for Zac's birthday, I was reminded of the 2 most precious people I have lost , my mom and dad. I often talk to them audibly and in my thoughts, ask their advice and tell them about my life, their grandchildren and great grandchild.

Reading this today just encouraged me to keep on living by Gods grace, through everything that life may throw at me. You have so perfectly shown us what a gracious and loving father he is.

Love you lots
Liesl xxx

Dardi said...

Love the heart of your family! Hard to believe that it's been 3 years since Zac blessed this world with his powerful, but all too brief, appearance. That we would all make such a statement with our lives... XO

TT Services said...

Dear Janine, how is it that every time I read your posts, I find tears streaming down my face in awe of the love and devotion you have to God and His only begotten Son. If I only had half of your faith, how blessed I would be! I remember your sweet Zac's passing from afar, as it was just 5 months after I had given birth to our dear boy - and I remember reading your blog then and being moved at how you dealt with the pain and hurt so graciously and so accepting of God's will. Your precious Zac was so lucky to have a mommy like you! I am so glad that God has continued to bless your family and now you are able to rejoice in the [although short] but sweet life your little Zac had. God bless all of you Janine, especially your little Zac in heaven ♥

Lori said...

Dear Janine, Obviously, I don't know you in person but I surely wish I could have been there to give you a hug on Zac's birthday and his heavenly birthday. I wish I had thought to message you that day but I'm glad I am seeing this now and have the opportunity to do so. Your friendship has been such a tremendous blessing to me and your blog entries never fail to touch my heart!
My own mom lost a baby when I was very young. His name was Joey. I was around 4 or 5 when he was born. I love that you encourage your beautiful children to talk about Zac and share their thoughts and feelings when they need to. My mom never did that for us. In fact, my siblings would not have known they had a sibling that passed had I not told them. No child should be a secret! And even tho I am not a mommy, I forgive--but I fail to understand how she could not visit his grave, not celebrate him in some way. His life mattered. Just like Zac's life matters. I'm so glad he is remembered and obviously so very loved by you all! Hugs, Lori