Pre-warning: I'm a little emotional today, so no pressure to read through all my ramblings. It's just my way of processing and working through my heart.
Lately my emotions are raw. The tears seem to be willing to brim at the smallest of moments. The flash backs are vivid and keep catching me off guard. My mind wants to go back and take stock. I want to remember the details. I realise that my heart is preparing me for his 1 year anniversary. I see it in my girls too. They want to talk about Cape Town. They want to remember him and talk about him. We are missing him.We can feel the hole in our family. Amazing how such a little guy has left such a big impact in our lives. He always will.
As I plan my Leelee's party for this weekend, I can't help but imagine what kind of 1st birthday party I would have been planning for our sweet boy. He would be turning 1 this weekend. I keep seeing myself back in Cape Town in the days before his birth. So much hope and anticipation even in the fog of uncertainties from doctors and specialists. I look back and see what Supernatural peace looks like. The Almighty was fiercely protecting our hearts as He was preparing us to experience a lifetime of joy compacted into 21 and a half hours. Had we known differently, we would have been robbed of that priceless gift. I look back a year later and see the miracles in the midst of intensity of pain that I will never have the words to express. I stand amazed. Though I find myself negotiating (once again) the intertwined mix of amazing joy and sadness ... I clearly see the faithfulness of God through a year I never thought would be my story to write. Though my heart drops at the loss of not being able to buy my son his first birthday present, I feel his brother kicking inside of me reminding me of the joy that Zac must feel knowing that the BEST pressie we could possibly give him is the gift of another precious sibling. I allow that to sink into my aching heart and bring me perspective. Zac sees things from a perfect, Heavenly perspective of perfect love. This is the gift he keeps giving to me even a year later ... to look up and see things from God's perspective of love. Yes, I need to allow the tears to come and process the pain of loss, but I will not allow it to swallow me up and define my life. I will continue to allow joy to rise and keep growing in my heart. I will choose even in the midst of pain to see the blessings and joy of his precious life. Already typing this, I can sense God's peace wrapping around my heart and soothing away the aches. He sees, He knows and He loves me through it. He replaces the more painful memories with pictures of my big boy beaming with joy and life in Heaven. He shows me how our son knows how much we all love and miss him, and how his little heart knows only peace and perfect love for us. A beautiful picture that comforts my heart and allows me to give myself fully to Zac's big sisters, infant brother and amazing daddy. It allows me to live fully here while I continue to negotiate the waiting until our precious reunion. Only a faithful, loving God can carry a family through pain and loss ... but faithfully He does and He even can bring unspeakable joy! Only God.
So here I am, having started this post feeling sad, I have a deep sense of comfort, peace and perspective once again to see me through this big milestone of my sweet boys anniversary birthday and angel-versary. Only You God, only You! Let Zac's story and ours still being written "bring You praise".
Love Janine xxx