A friend and I were chatting earlier this week about seeing life and emotions in colours. Certain words just seem to have appropriate matching colours Right now my colour is definitely GREEN ... I feel 100% nauseous most of the day and yet also so peaceful, blessed and prosperous in my heart and soul. The moment Brett and I suspected this pregnancy (which happened to be very, very early ... the smell of butter frying in a pan sent me running!!!! That day we looked at each other and KNEW! It was too early to take a test, but our hearts knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. God had added to us!) Joy and peace descended upon my heart immediately. I just KNEW that God's timing and plan for our family is perfect. That truth is guarding my heart so protectively. I feel it like a beautiful green lush hedge all around us. Having so many amazing people praying and rejoicing with us just adds to this blessing!
Don't get me wrong - the enemy hasn't let up in trying to sow fear into our minds ... but the Love of God is so real and tangible to me right now, not allowing those seeds anywhere near this gift of life and beauty that God has sown. One of the first things people ask me (which I totally understand!) is how hard it must be to not be afraid after what we just walked through with our precious son. Fear is a very real feeling, but I have come to learn that it always accompanies a CHOICE. Just because it feels real, doesn't mean I need to choose it. God is so graciously teaching me how to CHOOSE joy and peace every day and not to tolerate fear or worry from stealing even one moment of this precious time growing a precious baby. It's a moment by moment choice. The temptation to give in is huge at times, but I want to be able to look back and see the way we celebrated with joy every moment of this journey. That is something I thank God for with all my heart about our time with Zac. Fear wasn't an option for us. I finally "got" that verse which declares "Perfect love casts out fear". Only choosing God's love keeps fear from tormenting our lives. We wanted our sweet boy to know peace and joy. Every moment of his time with us was surrounded with God's supernatural peace. Only He alone took us through all that. Now as God is so lovingly restoring to us again, I am choosing to allow His peace to grin through the nausea and expect GOODNESS every moment of this blessed pregnancy. I am choosing to savor every day and enjoy it to the max.
I am discovering just how huge God's capacity is within each of us to love. I have so much love for each of my children and am already head over heels in love with this little joy-bean. It amazes me the depth of emotion we are able to live with. In the same moment of longing for my son in Heaven I am giddy with love and anticipation of this rainbow baby. How amazing to live with sadness and extreme joy all rolled into one. This is the depth of love that God has made us capable of. This is where I am at in my journey. Embracing a myriad of emotions and being fine with it. I am accepting that life is always going to be an adventure in faith. Every day is a choice to trust and allow His love to define my living.
So that's me in a jumbled up nutshell today. Excuse the roller coaster ride, but I'm as green as they come at the moment ;0)
Do share ... what colour are you feeling right now?
I just asked my girls what colour they feel today. Here's what they say:
Angelee: Green like the plants, "because they are fresh when they grow". (Clearly mommy's girl xxx)
Tianna: Turquoise, "because it's soft, cuddly and loving". (Aaaaahhhhh ... that's my little bear!).
Sending you a bright pink fluffy heart full of love xxx