Coming through our first Easter with Zac in Heaven and us on earth was such a tender time for my heart. I just miss him so much and have come to learn over these last 6 months that every special and ordinary day without our boy in our every day lives will always be a tender ache in my heart. I miss him so much and I love him so much. God's grace has tangibly carried us through and I cannot do without that grace for even a moment, because the pain for this mommy of not having her baby boy in her arms is too painful without the tender love and grace of my Jesus to hold me through the healing process. It's not so much the big things, but rather the little things that trigger the pain. It's the pain of not hearing his name spoken out. It's the fact that I can't brag about his new developmental stages, or have to excuse myself to feed him and put him down for his naps. It's really just the everyday ordinary things that I should be doing with him that I'm not. This was the first Easter Friday where I could really relate to the pain of the Father and know that He understands every ache I carry because, He felt it too as a parent. But it was also the first Easter Sunday where I also really "got" the hope of His resurrection! He is alive, as is my baby boy who is with Him even as I live and breathe, and a day will come where I will be able to lavish all my love on him again.
Going back to the title of this post, music has always played a big part in my life. I grew up with a mother who plays the piano better than anyone I know! I've watched her lead worship in church from my earliest childhood memories. Her heart to sing to Jesus rubbed off on me and I love nothing more than to sit at my piano and worship my Jesus. Music speaks straight to my heart and allows me to express what goes on inside of there ;0) Every now and then I will come across a song that says everything that I feel. Recently I listened to a song that expresses everything in my heart when I think of my time with Zac. It is written by a daddy who also has a son with half a heart (hypoplastic left heart syndrome) like Zac had. Their precious Bowen is doing so well and has come through multiple surgeries like a shining star. You can follow their journey here (and be praying for Bowen who is due for another surgery soon). Below is Matthew Hammit's song he wrote for Bowen. It could be my very own song, and that of every other parent who has either lost or lives with a child with a chd (chronic heart defect). One thing that I can say with all surety is that Zac continues to have ALL of our love. It was that resurrection hope and love that Jesus gave to Brett and I that allowed us to live and love fully in the hours we were given with our son. That unwavering faith, hope and love fiercely guarded our hearts from allowing any fear or sorrow from stealing even a second of our time of love and peace with Zac. May this song be a healing balm to any other parents who might have or is walking through a similar pain too.
All my love xxx