About Me

South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna and Angelee and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. A year and a half later, our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! This blog has been a place where I have been able to journal my journey through loss, hope and choosing to live a life rich in love.

Blog Archive

24 February 2012

Not so "lost" after all ;0)

Working through grief often brings up strange little triggers for me. One of the concepts that I wrestle a lot with when writing or telling my story is the phrase "I lost my child". It's a phrase that we say instead of having to say "my child died". Every time I write that phrase though, I feel a restlessness about it, because the truth is, Zac is not "lost" to me. I totally accept and understand where this phrase comes from and all my life I have used it ... but now that I have a little boy who is a Heavenly citizen, I just feel uncomfortable referring to him as lost
My journey with Zac has given me the opportunity to meet other parents who have encountered the same path of grief that we are walking. While everybody's story is different, there is a precious bond that links us when we share common ground. It continues to deeply impact my life to hear other people's stories who have also negotiated the grief walk. Earlier this week I got to meet a mommy who knows what it means to be carried by Jesus. Her loss is more recent than mine and her child was older than mine, but as we spent a little time together, I realised how much we have in common. Both of us know what it means to be met with the grace of Jesus and be forever changed. When I listened to her share her journey with her precious Chloe, I could see the presence of Jesus radiating from deep within her. She has been met with the King of Glory at the hardest place in her life ... the place of releasing her daughter into eternal life. It's not that she has seen Him with her earthly eyes as much as it is her heart response to His closeness which gives her the heart peace of assurance that Chloe, like Zac, finally know what it means to live in abundant life. Pain free, forever! His nearness radiated from every part of her. As she shared, I could see her eyes fixed firmly on the loveliness of who He is. I could see the grace carrying her. I just sat and listened to her tell her story. As she shared and I wept, she simply glowed with an inner joy. At times she would gently laugh and recount over and over again how good God has been to her in the face of her pain. As surreal as it sounds, because the pain is so intense and the missing is so hard ... but when you call on God to meet you in this place of pain, He shows you treasures that you would never have seen had you not walked through the fire. And that is when you realise the intensity of His goodness, because though the fire rages all around you, never once does He allow it to consume you. I came out of my brief time with Nicola so reminded that God is ALWAYS good and even at the most painful times in our lives when we simply do not understand all the reasons why tough things happen ... especially there, He stands right in the centre of our world reaching out with comforting arms and giving a heavenly perspective that amazingly allows us to accept the ache of letting go. As Nicola shared with me the peace that God has given her of where her Chloe is, I was very much reminded that my Zac is in no way "lost" to me. He is alive and thriving, being raised by the best parent ever! He will only ever know the purity of love, joy and peace and one day he will share his story with me about growing up in perfection. 
My heart has lifted once again as I fix them on the beautiful hope that I have in Jesus. My heart knows fully that my little love isn't lost, but is completely found in Christ
All my love xxx


Anonymous said...

Beautiful Janine - God is using you to encourage others in a mighty way.
God bless

Rachel Gainer said...

Beautifully said! I agree with every word you wrote. After Daphne passed away, I was amazed by the peace that filled my heart. I grieved deeply because of our separation, but I felt completely at peace with everything that had happened, and I felt the love of my Savior more intensly than I ever had in my life. I was not alone. Knowing that did not take the "missing" away, but it gave me strength and courage to face each day. You are a brave and faithful woman. I am very glad we have been introduced.

Rachel Gainer

Rachel Gainer said...

Beautifully said! I agree with every word you wrote. After Daphne passed away, the pain of our separation was excrutiating, but I also felt completely at peace with everything that had happened. I felt the love of my Savior more intensly than ever before in my life. I was not alone, and that knowledge gave me courage and strength to face each day. You are a brave and faithful woman. I am very glad we have been introduced.

EJN said...

Truly - well said. Bless you, your walk is beautiful as it is honest -- your rest in Christ is such an encouragement.
Thank you,

Denise Malafaia Cerqueira said...

Hello, dear!
I miss you, but do not forget, believe me!
I've been out of time. I traveled a lot since the end of last year, to the ministry of the Daughters of Sarah in some places in Brazil and then my time has been reduced.
I came down here for the nostalgia.
I will never forget their lives and experiences that have passed and as each day overdue. They are very special to me.
Reading some stuff here to see improvement in growth in the word.
Janine loved, write a book! With what you have here and with so many other things that the Holy Spirit will reveal to you in the midst of all that passed and learned. Certainly many people, especially women will be blessed, enriched.
I did not answer your last email, but I responded here.
I love you and I know that one day, we still find it for that hug full of emotion.
May the Spirit of God will hold for me.
Kisses and peace!

Niqui said...

So beautiful my Precious Jan xx

Mampho Brescia said...

Dear Janine, I am lying in bed having read your entries "not so lost" after all, and juggling sadness and joy. Tears uncontrollably stream down my face, am i am humbled. not only i'm deeply touched by your courage and strength but also inspired by your determination to allow God to heal your aching heart. Having had a similar but not nearly as grave an experience. I have had to juggle sadness and joy. Learning to appreciate the love that i have whilst i wait for the love that i want. My husband and i have struggled to conceive, after a miscarriage, several failed attempts at AI and one failed IVF procedure, my heart has felt such a deep hopelessness and the endless questioning gnaws at my mind, wondering why me, why cant i just have my babies, that i desperatly want and love so deeply even though their arrival continues to elude us. I am so thankful that you embarked on this process, to share your grief with us. I've often wondered how i would carry on with the pain and disappointment that often consume me. Its only after reading your blog that i realize that God's Love has and continues to carry me, through it all. That in spite of my weakness, His strength is what i need. That nothing is Lost in His love.