About Me

South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna and Angelee and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. A year and a half later, our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! This blog has been a place where I have been able to journal my journey through loss, hope and choosing to live a life rich in love.

Blog Archive

05 December 2011

I don't quite know what to title this one???

Today has been a really hard day for me. I feel taken aback by the waves of grief. Lately I feel like I have somehow been coping and seeing perspective again, but then a day like today arrives and reminds me that I am completely heart broken. I just want the tears to pour to somehow wash the pain and longing away. It's not a pain based on hopelessness or depression, just the sheer sadness of loss. It's the reality of Zac never being able to be in my arms until I see him again in Heaven. It's the sadness of realising that we will never all be together this side of Heaven for Christmases, birthdays and special occasions. In fact, it's more the intense sadness of just not being able to share every day life here on earth as a family all together. It's the confusion of why this ever happens to anyone?! I don't like to linger on the "why's" because I know that even if I did know "why", it wouldn't change my reality. I am just so broken to have to live in waiting to all be together again. I miss my little boy and ache when I see my little girls hurting every time they see a baby wrapped in a blue blanket. I never for one moment thought that this would be our story. I long for the day when it will never ever have to be anybody else's story either.
It's day's like today where I have to choose to come and sit quietly and allow Him to soothe my heart and mind with Truth and Peace because so many other thoughts are trying to over-ride His sweet, still voice. Thoughts like ... was it something I did wrong? Was it something I didn't get right? Did I not pray enough? Should I have done something more ... something different? If only I had done this ... or that?! I know that these questions do not hold the answers nor the truth, but the guilt phase of grief is very harsh in its judgments.
Then there is the pressure of trying to focus on meeting my hubby and the girls needs. People often suggest that the loss must at least be a bit easier having 2 other children. While I do thank God wholeheartedly for the privilege of having them to raise, it does not lesson the pain of having lost another child equally loved, anticipated and treasured. It is also an immense journey of faith for me to seek God's guidance in keeping it together and still functioning as a wife and mother when trying to deal with an immensely broken heart. Grief has taught me that it is not just about negotiating your feelings ... it has a physical effect on your body too, like your ability to cope with noise, stress or concentrate in conversations. Many people battle in the area of sleep. It's a continual leaning on God to keep strengthening me to get through the use-to-be easy, routine stuff. The things that I loved doing which came so easily to me, take a lot more out of me right now. I am learning how to tackle boundaries. Sometimes that is painful for me, because not being able to do what I used to do reminds me of the kind of loss I am still walking through and screams out my failure. It's one of those moments when I have to remind myself to choose wisely to not give heed to those thoughts, but rather to listen to the voice of Truth. A friend had to remind me yesterday to not take on something that would usually be so natural for me to handle. She was right. Some things are just too painful and raw for me right now. That makes me sad because I want to be further than I am right now ... not fearing my responses to certain situations. I know it will all come with time.
I find that just being around nature is soothing to my soul, so I went to work in Zac's garden to try and clear my mind and I was comforted by the beauty blooming even in the midst of my pain. It always speaks fresh hope to me. Take a look at some of the roses which have bloomed in my garden ...  

As I pour out my heart and allow Him to comfort me today, I am reminded once again that every day holds many moments of choice. Choices to believe the Truth of His love or choices to allow  unbelief or fear to cloud my judgment. Choices to draw near to Him and allow Him into the pain to heal and soothe, or choices to pull away and brood in anger or resentment. Choices to seek out His voice, or the choice to simply retreat and pull back. I don't always get it right, but when I do lift my eyes, I see Him ever-present ... always willing to meet me at my point of need ... ready to still my heart with His love. 
I love that God allows me to be real with Him. Often times as Christians we don't give ourselves permission to be honest about our pain or disappointment. We think that to have faith is to not acknowledge any hardship or weakness. This is so much more dangerous than letting it out and wrestling with God (think about the account of Jacob wrestling with God through the night. This didn't anger God, in fact God meets him right there and allows Jacob to get right up close and personal and have it out with Him.). I also love the personality of David in the Bible, and so does God because he is the one that God declares was a man after His own heart. Reading some of his conversations with God is so refreshing in the Psalms! He rants in anger, laments in sorrow, rejoices in exuberance, cries in despair ... but in it all ... he is sharing his every emotion and thought with God. He is letting God into every one of his highs and lows. It's when we keep our disappointments or anger all locked up inside that we are in the most dangerous place, because it doesn't disappear ... it grows! Eventually there comes a day or a moment when it all explodes out.
I've come to accept that I can get real with God about my highs and lows because He can totally take it ... and mostly because He is the only One who can take me through it! So though I am acknowledging my sorrow today, by lifting my eyes, I can also see that He is bringing me through. I still feel sad and I still ache and I will not pretend otherwise ... but I also have peace to know that the bigger picture is beautiful and the essence of His presence is ever-present with us as a family in helping us to find healing. 
These are my thoughts this Monday. 
All my love xxx


Dardi said...

Oh, Janine, my mommy heart hurts with yours. I'm so sorry for your pain. I think, though, that you have ministered to so many by sharing that we can (& should) be "real" with God. It took me so many years to understand that He desires an intimate relationship with me, & intimacy involves being "real", not fake. I think when I finally came to terms with this, my faith/relationship with God grew as well as the relationships here on earth. Thank you for being willing to share in the midst of pain. {{{Hugs}}}

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I am so sorry that I can't come up with words that will take away any of your pain. I'm praying for your family and keeping you close to my heart, sweet friend!


Amy Durrant said...

Beautiful Janine. You are greatly loved. And loved by Love Himself. As is your Zac, and all your loved ones. It is now nearly 15 weeks since Zafirah went, and I am starting to integrate back into society. Noise and commotion that buried me in fear and stress for the first 10-12 weeks is now becoming more acceptable to me again. Somehow, I long for her more with each passing day. And for many around me, that seems incoherent with 'healing'. But, when will I be completely free of this pain? Surely only once I am with her again. And our maker. When He will wipe away every tear. If only I knew how to give you a hand, to enable you more space or less responsibility, to give you as much time as you need to recover more physical and mental strength. But then, this is your journey, with your girls. I find myself looking into the sky, whenever the clouds are dark or the wind blows with menace. And I wonder, when will MY time come? Maybe my doctor would put me on anti-depressants if he heard this. But, Heaven is where my heart is. And, well, God does want us to long for Him, according to some scriptures. This is very apart from your blog. I just want you to know, I think of you. I cry for you. I pray for you. I understand your longing for your son. And, we are LOVED by our God who is so way beyond all heartache. Lots of love. Amy

Anonymous said...

Hi Janine - its so true that people say at least you have two other children. I can never understand how people think a statement like that is going to help. We have had similar statements with our miscarriages where we are told to be grateful that we have a child at all! (hurtful) and also that awkwardness that you feel when people feel they must let you know they are pregnant first before they announce it! Do they think we will have a public meltdown. We are genuinely happy for them but wish they wouldn't treat us differently to how they did before! The pain for me has got better through Gods peace and I am now able to feel less broody and a little less pain each day. Your blog touches me every time I read it and please know that we are praying for your healing and a little more peace for your everyday. Lots of love Aimee

Jedidja said...

I wish I could comfort you but human words are so poor in your situation. So give this poem to Psalm 13 from Filp Leenman

How long, O Lord, will you forget me,
how long O Lord, hide yourself for me?
How long Lord, I am tormented by worry,
grief and questions overwhelm me.

Look at me and give me a reply,
enlighten my heart, I see you, my God.
Save me, O Lord, that I will not be defeated,
and not to yield or perish by fate.


Niqui said...

Oh my Jan, as your big sis I so wish I could carry this burden for you! But I know that at this time it is our Precious Jesus who is holding you up. It encourages me to know that we can be real with him, even when we hurt.

I love you so very much. Take it one step at a time, my sweet sis. I am walking with you

All my love xx

Janine said...

Thank you dear friends for taking the time to write and encourage and also for having the courage to share your stories with me. This was a tough week for me, but also healing to be honest and allow the Lord to meet me where I have been at. Reading your testimonies and journeys is such an encouragement to me. Sending each of you MUCH love.

Denise Malafaia Cerqueira said...

Uau, que jardim lindo, amiga!
Ei, guerreira!
Deus é contigo por onde quer que fores.
Suas lágrimas têm regado este jardim, sabia? Deus as tem transformado em alimento para que as flores cresçam viçosas e linda. Deus é assim ele transforma nossas lágrimas em riso e nosso lamento em cântico. Ele faz as coisas que não são como se fossem, aleluia!
Você é linda e preciosa.
Fico imaginando Deus te aplaudindo, Você tem alegrado o coração dele.
Está se cumprindo na sua vida a palavra que saiu da boca do salmista: "Certamente que bondade e misericórdia me seguirão todos os dias da minha vida..." Posso ver isso acontecendo por onde você passa.
Beijos, valente do Senhor!