About Me

South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna and Angelee and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. A year and a half later, our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! This blog has been a place where I have been able to journal my journey through loss, hope and choosing to live a life rich in love.

Blog Archive

30 December 2011

And then there was you

Exactly 3 months ago today you were born. I held you in my arms and knew such relief. I had no idea that my time with you would be so short. My heart knew only overwhelming love for you and faith that defies fear. I now see what a gift that faith was. It allowed me to be fully present with peace, instead of fear and panic for the time that we were given with you. It was pure joy to finally see you and hold you in our arms. I remember stroking your sweet little nose and kissing you over and over again and looking up into the smiling eyes of your courageous Daddy. My boy - I know that you are so proud of your Daddy - the way he fought for you and stood fearlessly in faith, believing for your best. Both Daddy and I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that we don't think about you and miss you with all our hearts. Your sisters talk to mommy about you so much. We all have a debate on about who will get to see you in Heaven first ;0) Whoever it will be ... they will have so many hugs and kisses to give to you from the rest of us. We also all have different ideas on what colour eyes you have. Daddy is convinced that they are blue. I can't wait to see when we finally meet again. 
Daddy built us a fountain in your honour for our garden, so that as we sit outside and listen to the running water, we remember you with such love in our hearts. He worked so hard on it and it brings us so much joy to look at. It makes me wonder what beautiful gardens Jesus carries you through in Heaven. I'm sure they are breathtaking.
As I took a few minutes to water the garden we planted in your remembrance, my heart dropped to discover the pure white standard rose we planted in the middle had broken in half by the wind today. It was just too much for me. I broke down and sobbed. It was such a picture of what I mourned for today ... a beautiful, pure life with so much budding potential and beauty taken so swiftly before it had been given time to even bloom into it's fullness. I cried for every milestone I will miss seeing you reach. I cried for the loss of raising and loving you and for all the dreams that we had for you in our every day life. I cried and cried and cried. And now, Jesus comes once again to whisper truth to my grieving heart. While I miss your presence with us here on earth, you are blooming into the fullness of your destiny in Heaven. You are experiencing what pure love is like. Your life still has such significant impact here on earth as your story has been a beautiful beacon pointing so many people to true heart peace - the person of Jesus Christ. While I cry for the loss of our dreams with you, Jesus gently reminds me that you are living and alive and just a little bit further along the journey from the rest of your family. Heaven isn't as far away as it used to seem to me. You have shown me how close it is.
I know you know it, but I want to tell you again today how much we love you. Sending you all my hugs and kisses as I go to sleep with a heart comforted by the same God who watches over you for me.
 Love Mommy xxx 


Jedidja said...

This is a wonderful love letter. I wish you the presence of the Lord in the New Year, keep blogging.

For the LORD shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD.

Big hug.

PaisleyJade said...

All my love - won't heaven be amazing!!!

Daisy said...

What a beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

My brother was born 5 weeks early with Down Syndrome and had cancer at age 4, but now our battle with him seems to pale in comparison. Thank you for your honesty, bravery and love in writing this. It is a beautiful reminder of all that our Saviour can bring us through!