I think it is safe to say that this week was a week of facing the anger phase head on in the grief process for me. I have to giggle when I think about how elaborately decorated my hubby and girls crowns are going to be when they get to Heaven one day, with all of the mood swings they have seen me go through with the pregnancy and all the hormones since. Yikes!!! Shiny crowns indeed. :0)
It's weird how those grief stages sneak up on you. One minute I am doing ok and then the next minute I am hit with so many different emotions so randomly. I picked up a book on dealing with loss that I was given to read. A few pages into it I wanted to throw it clean across the room because all of a sudden I realised once again that I am "that" mom having to figure out how to deal with living here without my little boy and also having to learn how to help my daughters process and heal from all this loss! In that split second I got really mad!!! I don't want my daughters to be heart broken!!! I don't want to watch them cry for their brother and ask me questions that I cannot answer. (I am seriously considering hunting down one of those Greek restaurants where you are allowed to smash plates ... LOTS of plates!). And then it happens ... peace rushes in like a gentle wave while the anger recedes as the Lord comforts my heart with the truth that He is the Guardian of my daughters tender little hearts and to confirm it, He opens my eyes to the sweet moments of what I do have this side of Heaven ... the privilege of being mommy to two of the bravest little girls I know, who even in the midst of the pain can show me how to laugh and smile as I watch them grow and listen to their laughter and banter.
Tianna and Angelee, you two little treasure girls are a gift from God to me. He has used you over and over to shape my heart & character and to experience the healing touch of our Awesome God. I know that your little brother sees and smiles when the Father allows him to glimpse you playing ... even as daddy and I count ourselves privileged to raise you and watch you grow. Oh how we love you!
And Father God ... thank you for facing each of the crazy emotions (and my reactions to them) with me and for guiding me with love and such tenderness. Even in the anger You do not condemn, instead you reach out and extend grace and love. Each day You find ways of showing me that You are the Guardian of our hearts. Thank you for giving me the most wonderful husband who is a pillar of strength with a heart fixed on You. Your Presence is so evident in our everyday lives ... You dwell with us and are seeing us through. Thank you for getting me through week 8.
Love Janni xxx