6 weeks and 3 days. It's funny how the days matter for some reason. I don't know why - they just do. A friend of mine told me yesterday that she had been told the 6th week is known to be a tough week in grieving for some reason. I have to agree. For me the permanence of life this side of Heaven without Zac has really hit home. The ache that it leaves in its wake has the tears easily flowing.
I had plans to clean out the play room for the girls today, but after packing up the nursery and giving away bags of clothes and blankets that I had dreamed of seeing my sweet boy in, I just could not face it. Tears poured as I had to come to a place of acceptance that I would never have photo's of Zac wrapped in some of the favorite outfits that had been so lovingly handpicked for him. The loss is profound.
Somehow, everything is a reminder of my loss right now. Going to my precious Leelee's school concert had me in tears knowing that I would never go to one of Zac's school concerts. After kissing the girls goodnight last night I heard them praying to Jesus - messages and kisses for Him to pass on to their baby brother. Oh my goodness, my mothers heart broke all over again, not only for the son I long to be raising, but for having to see and parent my girls through grieving the loss of the brother they prayed for so many years to have. What could ever prepare a mother to guide her remaining children through this?
I have decided to be really honest about my journey on my blog, because I believe that there are many people who may just bump into these posts, who like me are shocked and broken to find themselves walking down a similar path. God has graciously led me to a few blogs of precious daughters of the King who have also walked this road and it has helped me so much to find perspective in the pain. I want the Lord to use every bit of my life and my story, by being honest enough to share how He is meeting me even in the midst of the worst kind of pain I could fathom.
My hardest question right now is being asked "how are you?". Honestly ... I don't know how to reply. How much does the person really want to know? Do they really want to hear how hard it is, because the only honest answer comes with a whole lot of pain, and for me it's hard to have to rehash that pain over and over again. It's just a continual reminder of my new reality.
With all this pouring through my mind I decided to go for a walk on the beach this morning to ponder and talk to the Lord about this unanticipated path that has become part of my story ... that of being a grieving mother. I have to say that I am still so shocked to find myself in this role. I never would have thought that this would be part of my story. The strangely comforting part is knowing that God knew and has sent Jesus to walk me through each day. As I walked and talked with Jesus on the beach I stumbled upon a heart shaped rock. I smiled, as just the week before I asked the Lord to help me spot a heart shaped stone to cheer my heart.
I carried it as I walked on, pondering how much more significant it would be to find a stone shaped in half of a heart. Not only did Zac have half a heart ... but since his 'graduation' I have to say that my heart feels just as broken. I shared my heart with Jesus, coming to a place of expressing my desire for Him to use Zac's story and create in us as his family, a testimony that will bring many broken hearted people to a place of heart healing in Him. Zac may have had half a heart, but his story is one of an Almighty God who brings wholeness to even the most broken of hearts. Just this morning my tears poured as I read a message from someone who had shared Zac's story while preaching to 6,000 people over seas. I wept with the privilege of realizing that Zac is still fulfilling his evangelical calling from Heaven every time his story is told. As I turned and walked back, the sunlight caught on a stone just washed in by the waves ... it was half a heart shaped stone! As I picked it up I saw the shape of a heart in the broken heart. I brought it home and painted it red.
As I held this stone in my hands, it was like holding the promise of God that even in the midst of my broken heart, He sees and knows and has poured out His love and His heart to make mine beat in the midst of pain even as He supernaturally kept Zac's heart beating through my pregnancy and for almost 22 hours on earth so that His Story could be told through Zac's story. God's love stands in the midst of my brokenness and brings peace and strength.
I was asked on Saturday if I have healed. I looked at the person in absolute shock as my mind reeled - can you seriously ever completely heal from a broken heart from loosing one of your children this side of Heaven? While I cannot say that my heart is completely healed, I do know that Jesus has poured His love into my brokenness to sustain me. His love goes beyond understanding and somehow consoles what nothing else can. Somehow, His love is bigger than the fiercest agony of loss and yearning ... it supersedes the pain to allow me to know that I am not alone in this journey. He is walking it moment by moment with me and for that I am eternally thankful.
That dear friends is where I am at 6 weeks into this crazy journey through grief. It's a journey of choosing to lean into Him moment by moment. What I can say with certainty is that even when I cannot believe that it is humanly possible to live through this kind of pain ... HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT and His love carries me.
All my love,