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South Africa
My husband, Brett and I live in beautiful South Africa and have been blessed with the most precious family. We have 2 very beautiful and brave daughters, Tianna (15) and Angelee (12) and a very precious little boy called Zac who touched our hearts forever in his 1 day here on earth. We never would have imagined that we would have to live this side of Heaven without our sweet boy who was born with half a heart, but every day Jesus carries us through and is teaching us more than ever how to live, laugh and love fully. 3 years ago our faithful Great Restorer graciously blessed us once again with another son ... our beloved Gabriel ... a ray of sunshine in all our lives! "Love in Action" is our journey as a family to love the way Jesus is teaching us to love and live.

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26 October 2011

Settling back into "normal"

My hubby and I often look at each other and ask ourselves if everything we have just gone through really happened. There are moments where it all just feels so surreal because you never in a billion years thought you would ever go through something like what you are going through. Grief is weird like that. You just don't know how you are going to feel or what emotions you are going to face until you are having to face it all head on. There are moments where you feel perfectly fine and then within seconds your heart feels like it will take an eternity to feel whole again. There are also milestones that you have to face along the way - some that you are aware of and others that you only know are a milestone once you have faced certain moments. One of those milestones for me is settling back into a "normal" routine. Everything inside me screams out that life is not meant to ever be the same again and yet everything around me continues on as it always has. This is one of the things I am tackling this week. All my family has gone home and now the routines with the girls doing homework and sports etc is what it always used to be. Part of me finds comfort in the old routine and another part of me rages that I want everything to be different. I want to be immersed in having a newborn in our home taking up most of my time. I guess it's just part of the journey as I negotiate everyday life without my sweet baby boy.
I realise that everyday I have a choice. I can either be swallowed up in grief or I can choose to see how closely Jesus is standing with us in the midst of our pain. Knowing that He is close doesn't take the pain of loss away, but it allows me to grieve with hope. Hope that I will one day hold my son in my arms again. Hope that as a family we will continue to grow from strength to strength in our journey of life and love. Hope that we will all come through whole with God's healing hand over our hearts. Oh my goodness ... life truly is full of millions of emotions. I am so thankful that He is a God who understands and walks through each of these emotions with me and is somehow placing my heart back together one piece at a time.
Janine xoxox

11 comments:

Niqui said...

One step at a time, my precious sis. Gosh I love you so much!!

All my love xxxxx

Patti said...

please know we are praying for you!! ox

Anonymous said...

What a precious story! It has really touched my heart! God is faithful

Anonymous said...

Your honesty and sharing of your heart is both touching and refreshing. Jesus IS putting the pieces of your heart back together while using your journey to minister to so many!

Cynthia said...

You said it so well! Yes, you are in the land of a Christian grieving mother...filled with loss, filled with hope, growing with more faith day by day.....
Sending love and prayers,
Cynthia
http://www.adreamadoption.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

....it does get easier, I just ask Jesus to give my little one a hug on my behalf, and somehow i feel better for it!

Debbi said...

As a Mother, Wife and family we have walked and still walk the road you and your family are on. There are "normal" days, filled with every-day activities and there are days filled with millions of emotions and complex grief. However, whether the day you are experiencing is the former or latter; the Hope that Jesus offers us remains steadfast and I continue, after having done all, to hold onto His Hope. Eternal Life, Heaven, His warm Love, Answered prayer, the smiles of our loved ones, lots of hugs, time with precious friends, quiet moments to reflect .... embrace these all as He continues to encourage, soothe and strengthen your heart. You will find your "normal" again but it will be a new normal. A normal that is tender, yet stronger. That's what Jesus does. Be patient with yourself and be extremely kind to your body. Loads of sunshine and fresh air, sleep lots, drink a lot of water, go for walks .... God heals in His own way and in His own time; never allow the World to interfere and rush you. Sending you love, keeping you all in my prayers xxx

Carol F said...

Oh my Darling, My heart & thoughts are with you & Brett and the girls during this time - love you all so much.
Love,
Momxxxxx

Denise Malafaia Cerqueira said...

Honey, make sure that everything will pass even this mnistura of joy and pain. I wonder how you're feeling, I had a similar experience.
I have followed you in these last two months and I see clearly, even over the Internet the move of God in your life and family. How have glorified the Lord with a broken and contrite heart! This attracts the heart of God. Get ready for what God will do even more in you and through you. certainly the name of the Lord shall be blessed in the lives of all who are reached by the testimony that turned out of your mouth.
Daughters of Sarah, not only in Brazil but in many parts of the world love and pray for you and your blessed family.
Kisses and peace of mind and heart!

Zeeuwse Mama said...

One piece at a time... my dear sister in faith, I also lost a babyboy, and I know how hard that first year after his dead, was. You can describe it so well, how it feels... your faith in our Saviour and Healer makes me silent. Indeed, He is our only hope.
Here from the Netherlands, I wish I could hug you ;-)
Reading your post, I had to think about the song 'Precious Child'. I think you already know it, but I post it for sure... (it's also on youtube)

PRECIOUS CHILD

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Tracy said...

Hi Janine - you and your family have touched the lives of many in the manner in which you have dealt with your circumstances. Know that God is there in the mix of things walking with you and carrying you when you need it. Praying for you often.
God bless
Tracy