Love in Action Journey

This past weekend I had a real full circle moment in my life, and it is my joy to share it with you. 2 weeks ago marked our little boys 7 year anniversaries of the day he was born, and the following day ... when he got to choose Heaven. As his mommy, I realised very early on that I get to choose how I negotiate such an immense loss. As a wife and mother to my 3 other darlings, my choice has been to be real, honest and true to myself by fully acknowledging the many layers of grief, but in so doing ... to embrace healing so that I can honour my son's legacy by choosing to live, laugh and embrace life this side of Heaven until I finally get to hold him again.  These last 7 years have continued to teach me how Jesus stands closest to the brokenhearted ... and that He is a Restorer to all who allow Him to hold them in His love through the healing process. A huge key to healing for me has been to not suppress the pain, but to work each moment of longing, sadness, anger, regret e...

It has once again been quite some time since I have visited this special place. I'm always amazed at how quickly time passes. Visiting back "home" to my blog reminds me so much of that.  When I started this blog, my heart was for it to never just be about the number of followers ... but rather for it to be a place of vulnerability about my personal walk in embracing the love of Jesus and journeying to become more like him ... and trusting that that would be an encouragements to anyone needing hope. Originally it was an outlet for personal ponderings, encouragement and even a place to share my everyday life journey and milestones. I would never have imagined that so many posts would be around the journey of grief and healing and reaching out with hope to other parents who encounter child loss or grief. God has been very faithful to teach us as a family about hope after pain. These days, I choose only to write when He stirs my heart. I guess there are seasons in everyt...

A little while ago I wrote a post about  when the unthinkable happens , and all we can see or feel is the brokenness in our lives. It's in those moments that we are faced with the daily choice of whether to stay focussed on the pain ... or to recognise that we also have the choice to find beauty even in the midst of our pain. My journey these last 5 years has consistently taught me that there is One who stands closest to the brokenhearted and that He is more than willing to infuse me with strength and joy no matter how volatile the storm feels within, and that searching into His eyes calms the fiercest of storms.   At this point please allow me to give you a sneak peak into my humanity. Before you read the above and think even for a moment that I've mastered that art of choosing best all the time, let me assure you that I have by no means got it all together! Ask my family ... they will humour you with many stories of the work-in-process that I am. Take for instance...

There are times in our lives when it feels as if the cup falls from our hands and to our sorrow we see it crack or break. For some this could be dealing with disappointment, job loss, disability, injustice, betrayal and for others it could be loss or trauma. It was in a time like that in my own life where God taught me some really precious things that allowed me to see Jesus even more clearly than I had ever seen Him before …  as the master potter, craftsman and mender of my own heart. It was 4 years ago for me when I watched in slow motion as the beautiful cup that I treasured slowly fell and broke into what seemed to me like thousands of broken shards. My husband and I walked through what we thought was unthinkable … the loss of our precious little boy. Negotiating the pain of our own loss and the added hurt of seeing the loss and pain of our 2 little girls broke our hearts. But what I came to experience was a journey and a legacy that precious Jesus had entrusted to us … ...

Dear Zac, Today is another significant day for us as your family. Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday and today your "Heavenly birthday". While we have come a long way from the excruciating pain of loss, our hearts still miss you dearly. It comforts my heart as your mom to write out the thoughts in my heart and take the time to sit and remember the precious moments entrusted to us through the time Father God gave us with you. I like to imagine our precious Jesus holding you in His lap reading you my letter ;0) I know where you are and have peace in that, but man how I long for even just a tiny little glimpse of the sweet little toddler that you have blossomed into in Heaven and just one more beloved snuggle. I continue to write out my heart, because over these last 3 years I have come to meet many other precious moms and dads who are hurting from walking similar journeys. My prayer is that the healing that Father God has so graciously been working out in our hearts...

Christmas has always been my favourite time of the year. Even as a little girl my parents would entrust my sister and I with the privilege of decorating the tree. (Hats off to my sweet mom! I think I may just have a tad-little-ity-bittie control issues when it comes to the final look of the tree - I have to make myself step back and allow the girls artistic license on the tree ... but when they are no longer looking I confess that I can't help a little rearranging! It just HAS to look balanced, or I can't sleep peacefully! ha ha). Anyway - back to my non-controlling amazing mom who let us decorate the tree without fixing it ... I remember how my sis and I would spend hours going through those little boxes of ornaments, playing with the sweet figurines. There weren't a whole lot of them, and I don't remember us often adding to the collection, but that in itself made it such a sweet memory. Each of those little ornaments carried precious memories with them. I remember a ...

I can hardly believe that it has been exactly 2 years since Zac entered our lives and then a day later went home to Heaven. Yesterday was his 2nd birthday and today his 2nd "angelversary". These 2 days of the year especially allow me to reflect back and remember the moments that continue to impact our hearts. 2 years ago today I could barely breath. For the first time in my life I experienced what desperate longing truly felt like. My son had taken his last breath in my arms as I sang over him. It was the most peaceful, serene moment. There was no fear or panic or trauma. One moment he was looking into my eyes, and the next he was looking into Jesus' eyes. That moment was so sacred ... but it was the pain that came after when I realised that I would never be able to have the privilege of raising him this side of Heaven. There are no words for that kind of desperation. As a parent you would do anything to change things, but it is not in your hands. There are only a few ...

This time of year is a very tender time for me. I see a few heart-sore moments every now and then with my girls and hubby as we remember. The heart ache resurfaces in little ways and allows us to become honest in negotiating different layers in the grief journey. This time of year approaches the 2 year mark since our precious Zac was born and then passed on. The memories often flash through my mind in unguarded moments. I've learned to embrace the memories even with the tinge of pain that they bring. I've come to learn that being honest with the process of grief and having to negotiate pain does not in any way diminish the incredible work of healing, joy and restoration that God has so lovingly been pouring into our hearts. In fact, being honest to face it in truth with Jesus just allows deeper aspects of healing and restoration. Time with Jesus has shown me over and over again that with the pain, there is always healing and grace in His outstretched hands. As painful as some ...

Recently I was contacted by a precious blogging friend who asked me to share Zac's story with her readers. As a mother of 10 precious children, she has walked an amazing journey and knows what it is like to walk with her hand firmly held in Christ's. It was a real privilege for me to do this. I decided to share it here today, as my little boy has so been in my thoughts and heart. This journey of negotiating grief still comes in waves for me. There are days where my heart longs for Heaven so much. Today is one of them. Thankfully, the longing comes with peace. A knowing that there is coming a glorious day where I will hold all my children once again. Until then, I will continue to share Zac's story trusting the love and grace of God to meet other hurting hearts with the same amazing grace that He met our hearts. Here's my post. "Sometimes you get MORE" Our story is by no means an easy story to share and many might read it as a "sad story", b...

3 + 3 = 6 6 more sleeps and these two beauties CANNOT WAIT to lavish all their love on their little baby brother.  Just another layer of restoration for me lately is seeing God restore their faith and joy. Their prayers for baby Gabe's upcoming birth are filled more and more with joy than the worry of saying goodbye to another brother. While it is still a process, this is big growth and healing. My prayer all throughout this pregnancy has been for the Lord to restore to them an innocent and worry-free outlook on pregnancy so that when they grow into the beautiful women, wives and mother-to-be that they will one day become ... their experiences of pregnancy will not be tainted with fear. God can and is doing this. Every moment of carrying Gabriel has been a joyful experience for us as a family. It has been filled with blessing and the very desires of each of our hearts. It takes my breath away to see how He CAN and DOES restore ... to the uttermost! Even though it does take...

Dear Zac, I had to find a quiet moment at the beginning of this day to come and sit outside and overlook your beautiful rose garden to write you this important letter. Today is your 1st birthday! Faithful Jesus knows mommy well and has given us the most beautiful sunny day for me to soak up His warmth right to my very heart ... and true to His loving kindness, your roses are starting to bloom!  As I take in how your garden has begun to grow and flourish over this last year, I can't help but imagine how you have grown and changed in the last Heavenly year of your life. I have no doubt that you are absolutely gorgeous and that Heaven is positively rejoicing over you today. I can just picture all our family that has gone before us doting over you. Hopefully they are serving you some angel-cake for breakfast ;0) Here at home we are choosing joy. We are choosing to make this a day of remembering you with all the love in our hearts. The tears shed come from hearts that ...

Pre-warning: I'm a little emotional today, so no pressure to read through all my ramblings. It's just my way of processing and working through my heart.  Lately my emotions are raw. The tears seem to be willing to brim at the smallest of moments. The flash backs are vivid and keep catching me off guard. My mind wants to go back and take stock. I want to remember the details. I realise that my heart is preparing me for his 1 year anniversary. I see it in my girls too. They want to talk about Cape Town. They want to remember him and talk about him. We are missing him.We can feel the hole in our family. Amazing how such a little guy has left such a big impact in our lives. He always will.  As I plan my Leelee's party for this weekend, I can't help but imagine what kind of 1st birthday party I would have been planning for our sweet boy. He would be turning 1 this weekend. I keep seeing myself back in Cape Town in the days before his birth. So much hope and anticipati...

Coming through our first Easter with Zac in Heaven and us on earth was such a tender time for my heart. I just miss him so much and have come to learn over these last 6 months that every special and ordinary day without our boy in our every day lives will always be a tender ache in my heart. I miss him so much and I love him so much. God's grace has tangibly carried us through and I cannot do without that grace for even a moment, because the pain for this mommy of not having her baby boy in her arms is too painful without the tender love and grace of my Jesus to hold me through the healing process. It's not so much the big things, but rather the little things that trigger the pain. It's the pain of not hearing his name spoken out. It's the fact that I can't brag about his new developmental stages, or have to excuse myself to feed him and put him down for his naps. It's really just the everyday ordinary things that I should be doing with him that I'm not. T...

Hello darling boy. Well today is your 6 months anniversary and I have been looking forward to writing this letter to you. It is a very significant letter from mommy and daddy, coming to terms with where you are and where we are. As your mommy and daddy, we never get tired of talking about you and remembering every little detail of each moment that Father God gave us with you. It is our joy to share your story with others and tell what an amazing gift you have been to each of us. So here I am one again, a proud mommy, looking back at my very handsome little boy. Each photo makes me smile. Boyzie, you really are such a little cutie. Oh-so-serious with such wise little eyes. What wise things you have to teach us little love. (That was your first peep at mommy. Melted my heart!)   (Daddy's favourite photo of his heart-peace baby boy.) (Just too darling for words!) As mommy and daddy are finding acceptance and peace in your story, Fath...