Dear Zac,
Today is another significant day for us as your family. Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday and today your "Heavenly birthday". While we have come a long way from the excruciating pain of loss, our hearts still miss you dearly. It comforts my heart as your mom to write out the thoughts in my heart and take the time to sit and remember the precious moments entrusted to us through the time Father God gave us with you. I like to imagine our precious Jesus holding you in His lap reading you my letter ;0) I know where you are and have peace in that, but man how I long for even just a tiny little glimpse of the sweet little toddler that you have blossomed into in Heaven and just one more beloved snuggle. I continue to write out my heart, because over these last 3 years I have come to meet many other precious moms and dads who are hurting from walking similar journeys. My prayer is that the healing that Father God has so graciously been working out in our hearts would somehow be a healing balm of hope to others who may happen to read this. Writing for me has become a gift that enables me to process and see the hope that I have in God even through the path of pain, because its been in this journey that I have encountered just how personally Christ tends to the brokenhearted and redeems.
Just yesterday ... I experienced this yet again. Grief is the weirdest thing ... just when I thought I had a handle on facing the ache with another birthday without you, I woke up to a new trigger. As the girls ran into the room declaring your birthday, a pang of pain hit my heart that you are the only child that the phone won't ring for early in the morning to hear family sing "happy birthday" to. I didn't want to get all down in front of the family, especially after your big sister declared that your birthday should become our "thanksgiving day". I love that idea! So I kept my pain hidden in a quiet corner of my heart. Here's where God once again showed Himself to me to be so personal and present where my heart is concerned ... because within minutes of me silently hurting, the telephone rang to your very precious aunty Niqui and cuzzies calling to say they had a special song to sing in honour of their little cuzzie that they miss on his birthday. Well I cannot tell you what that meant to me! The fact that Father God saw a silly, random, emotionally-irrational thought in my aching-mommy-heart and cared so much as to nudge my brave sister's heart to follow through without knowing how I was feeling just bowls me over with renewed hope and healing that God cares so individually and continues to comfort and mend. Nobody knew what was in my heart but Him, and next year I probably won't need a birthday song to be sung, but this birthday I did, and He saw it and gave me a gift to remind me that He sees and understands. It allows me to smile even in my aching for you. Only Jesus. How he continues to move in compassion through people to send us precious messages, practical love, surprise flowers, cake & gifts and even a lovely supper from a compassionate friend. How loved we feel.
And so to honour your significance in our lives we decided to write some messages on balloons to send off to you, cut a very special cake made by your special aunty Julie and give thanks for the gift that you continue to be in our lives.
Even your baby brother got in on the action and drew you a picture :0)
There is no way that your sisters will allow your birthday to pass without acknowledging you and making sure we celebrate and I am thankful for that because in doing so, we have the opportunity to declare that God has indeed been so kind and good to us to have entrusted your life and story to us to share well. We will continue to do that sweet boy on the good days and the heartsore days.
Today we will go out and find a new rose to add to your beautiful living garden and imagine the vibrant life that you are living in Him. Full of joy, health, peace and love and we will choose to smile. I know that you know how much we all love you and that you delight to see us choosing life and joy in our everyday living and so we will continue to heal and share the love of God to people, because you are our everyday reminder of the grace of God and that Heaven is for real ;0) So have a slice of "angel pie" with all the little friends that I know you have made up there.
Daddy, sisters and brother send you so much love too. Hope you liked all our funny messages and happy green balloons. So glad your precious grandparents were all together to eat cake and celebrate with us yesterday. Special memories indeed.
All our love forever xxx
Mommy,
Today we will go out and find a new rose to add to your beautiful living garden and imagine the vibrant life that you are living in Him. Full of joy, health, peace and love and we will choose to smile. I know that you know how much we all love you and that you delight to see us choosing life and joy in our everyday living and so we will continue to heal and share the love of God to people, because you are our everyday reminder of the grace of God and that Heaven is for real ;0) So have a slice of "angel pie" with all the little friends that I know you have made up there.
Daddy, sisters and brother send you so much love too. Hope you liked all our funny messages and happy green balloons. So glad your precious grandparents were all together to eat cake and celebrate with us yesterday. Special memories indeed.
All our love forever xxx
Mommy,
Comments
You are such a blessing and encourager to anyone who has ever experienced the pain and loss of losing a loved one, and more so a precious child. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of such a loss for a mother. Your blog has touched the deepest corners of my heart and your bravery to open up and share your innermost thoughts and feelings are indeed a healing balm.
Whilst reading your entry for Zac's birthday, I was reminded of the 2 most precious people I have lost , my mom and dad. I often talk to them audibly and in my thoughts, ask their advice and tell them about my life, their grandchildren and great grandchild.
Reading this today just encouraged me to keep on living by Gods grace, through everything that life may throw at me. You have so perfectly shown us what a gracious and loving father he is.
Love you lots
Liesl xxx
My own mom lost a baby when I was very young. His name was Joey. I was around 4 or 5 when he was born. I love that you encourage your beautiful children to talk about Zac and share their thoughts and feelings when they need to. My mom never did that for us. In fact, my siblings would not have known they had a sibling that passed had I not told them. No child should be a secret! And even tho I am not a mommy, I forgive--but I fail to understand how she could not visit his grave, not celebrate him in some way. His life mattered. Just like Zac's life matters. I'm so glad he is remembered and obviously so very loved by you all! Hugs, Lori