This past weekend I had a real full circle moment in my life, and it is my joy to share it with you.
2 weeks ago marked our little boys 7 year anniversaries of the day he was born, and the following day ... when he got to choose Heaven. As his mommy, I realised very early on that I get to choose how I negotiate such an immense loss. As a wife and mother to my 3 other darlings, my choice has been to be real, honest and true to myself by fully acknowledging the many layers of grief, but in so doing ... to embrace healing so that I can honour my son's legacy by choosing to live, laugh and embrace life this side of Heaven until I finally get to hold him again.
These last 7 years have continued to teach me how Jesus stands closest to the brokenhearted ... and that He is a Restorer to all who allow Him to hold them in His love through the healing process. A huge key to healing for me has been to not suppress the pain, but to work each moment of longing, sadness, anger, regret etc through with God and to give myself permission to live fully and embrace joy. I have learned that everyone heals and negotiates loss uniquely. Each one in my family has continued to heal and grieve at different times and in different ways. Just recently, my 5 year old little boy has shed many precious tears as he has begun to process the fact that he has a big brother that he didn't get to meet. I've learned that there isn't a time span allocated to sadness and joy. Some days its a dance between the two. Ive also come to realise that just because I have a sad moment of missing my sweet boy, doesn't mean that I am defined by grief. I've learned to acknowledge that longing and then keep living and loving. A short while into my journey, when it was still so hard to breath without unbearable pain, it set my heart free to realise that Zac would never want for me to allow a life a grieving to define my love for him. He lives in absolute fullness of peace and joy. He would want for us a a family to honour his life by choosing to live fully and embrace adventure. That has continued to be a main focus for me as his mommy, and in so choosing, it has allowed such depth and love in my relationship with his daddy and sisters and brother.
With that in our hearts, 7 years ago my husband had a logo printed "Lion heart adventure club" (our little boy was born with half a heart). He had some caps made and the plan was to share adventurous memories in Zac's honour. As a family we have shared some amazing memories in his honour, but I have never pushed myself too far out of my comfort zone. So with that in mind, I decided at the beginning of the year that it was time to start having more adventures! I wanted to show my teenage daughters that we are never too old to do new things and push past our own self inflicted barriers. One such barrier for me ... to start running. I have NEVER been a cardio girl! Weights at the gym ... yes! Running or cycling ... heck no! For some reason, having turned 41 this year I decided that it was time to push through and run a 10km race. My beautiful 17 year old daughter decided to join me! So in March we started jogging. Man alive! I couldn't even run around half the block without walking!!! But come May ... together we ran our first 10km race! What a joy to share that moment with my girl!
Then in August, one of my dearest friends somehow talked me into entering a half marathon in Cape Town. To this day I do not know HOW she managed to convince me, but before I knew it I had registered and paid! She flew home to Cape Town and all of a sudden the reality hit home! I would have to somehow train myself to run 21km's ... and even harder, when I looked at the race route ... it was centred around Signal Hill where we scattered our sons ashes. I have never been up that hill since that day. As I began to train for the race, the Lord began to prepare my heart for how meaningful running this race would be for my heart. I began to gain peace and excitement by realising that my first ever half marathon was taking place in the city of my son's birth. What better way to honour his legacy before my children by letting go of fear and embracing yet another layer of God's amazing restoration.
2 and a half weeks before the race, after a long run, I somehow managed to knock boiling water all over myself and landed up with second degree burns down the insides of both my legs. Yet even as it happened I had a peace that somehow I would heal enough to press through and run that race for my boy.
Last weekend that's exactly what I did! With two amazing friends ... we ran the Gun Run half marathon and all I could feel on my face was a huge big fat smile! Anyone who knows me well will know how crazy that is! The thought of running has NEVER made me smile :) But I felt like such a proud mamma bear. I was able to look to that hill and smile knowing with such heart peace that my boy is alive and thriving with his precious Jesus! I ran straight past the beautiful home in Clifton where we stayed after I came out of the hospital to heal from the birth. That place had always been such a painful memory for me of being the place where I came home with empty arms and a broken heart ... but as I ran down that hill, joy filled my heart as I realised how much healing has taken place. I had eyes and a heart to take in the immense beauty around me. What had once been my lowest place, became a watershed moment of healing! My heart felt free with peace. Heaven's perspective had outshone earths greatest pain. The world would say that God gave me a son for a day ... but Heaven has shown me that God has given me a son for all eternity! My heart just knew I had a little boy smiling down on his mamma as I tackled one of my mountains and gained just a little more of Heaven's perspective.
And so 7 years and 2 days after Zac's memorial service, I was able to run on legs and a heart that was covered in scars, but made strong in God's perfect Love. He continues to be the One who sees, loves, heals and restores.
So Zacie ... this was in honour of you and for your amazing sisters and brother! Your mommy loves you so very much and I'm determined to live my best life to bring you and your family joy and to live a life that will always endeavour to bring glory to God.
Big mamma smiles with Signal Hill in the background.
My brave adventurers!
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