Love in Action Journey

Hello my darling boy. Your Mommy, Daddy and sisters have been missing you so much so I had to write today. I am sitting in the rocking chair that I had dreamed of nursing you from, ready to share my heart and thoughts with you today. It's more for my healing than yours I know, but somehow it brings me great comfort to share these things with you. My heart KNOWS that your heart is fully healed and that you know only pure peace and joy, but this side of Heaven, my broken heart is taking a little more time to find complete wholeness. I can tell you that Jesus is so lovingly and carefully taking His time to mend each broken piece back together. Each day my heart knows a little more healing and even if this heart of mine bears the marks of having been pieced back together, I wouldn't swop it back to how it was before for anything. It now resembles the masterful hands of my Creator having attended to me personally after having met and released a cherished gift in my life. You.  La...

I think it is safe to say that this week was a week of facing the anger phase head on in the grief process for me. I have to giggle when I think about how elaborately decorated my hubby and girls crowns are going to be when they get to Heaven one day, with all of the mood swings they have seen me go through with the pregnancy and all the hormones since. Yikes!!! Shiny crowns indeed. :0) It's weird how those grief stages sneak up on you. One minute I am doing ok and then the next minute I am hit with so many different emotions so randomly. I picked up a book on dealing with loss that I was given to read. A few pages into it I wanted to throw it clean across the room because all of a sudden I realised once again that I am " that " mom having to figure out how to deal with living here without my little boy and also having to learn how to help my daughters process and heal from all this loss! In that split second I got really mad!!! I don't want my daughters to be hear...

A few days after Zac's 'graduation' (I just simply can never get myself to type the words 'died' because my heart knows full well that my little boy is full of life, currently and forever very much alive in Heaven awaiting the day that the rest of his family will join him) we had to start planning his memorial service. It was the lowest time of my life. I could not muster any emotional resolve to plan my son's funeral. I had planned for him to LIVE, not die. I could not even think straight past the pain in my heart and the constant longing for my my little boy, to have to think what songs I wanted sung or order of service felt too overwhelming. Grief is so surreal and weird in those early days. I could not focus on anything for the first month. Conversations were so hard for me because all my senses felt over sensitive and raw. I couldn't follow long conversations without wanting to withdraw to a quiet place. Noise was overbearing to my senses. It's lik...

I would so love to be in the U.S. today experiencing this special holiday. My mom is there (I miss you my precious Mommy Darling and love you so dearly). I always love hearing her reports back to me about the specialness of this day spent with loved ones (not to mention how much I am craving a piece of Pumkin Pie - tried it once and LOVED it - especially the memory of eating that slice with my mom and sis at a precious family get together). I love how it is a day to simply stop and give God the time to say "thank you". I reckon we should be doing this every day, yet somehow we so easily get swallowed up in the stresses of life that we don't always notice just how close He stands to each of us, reaching out and expressing His love to us. So today, even though I am not in the US, I am celebrating this day with a thankful heart for all that God has always been to me - the One who loves completely and faithfully journeys with me dad by day. Janine

After a Saturday jam packed with so many "grief milestones" I have to say that I started the week on an emotional low. I had just negotiated my first baby shower after Zac's "graduation", a kiddies birthday party with mommy's who last saw me preggy and meeting the sweetest little baby boy, but watching my daughters pain written all over her face when holding him and having her cry later because neither her or her sister could understand why they cannot have their baby brother anymore. So many big questions to which I could not give all the answers to. It was just so much for my broken mommy's heart. Everything about my weekend highlighted one fact loud and clear to me ... I'm " that " woman ... the one that I never ever thought I ever would be. The one that I always had such compassion for but could never really be able to say 'I know how you feel', because up until 7 weeks ago, I never would have ever understood how hard her walk...

Hubby is out for a movie night with his brother and the girls are tucked into bed after a busy day of studying for exams. I don't know who is swatting harder - my eldest or me ;-) I feel like I am getting my grade 4 education all over again! Not a bad thing I suppose, because I am finally learning those times tables of by heart! hee hee As I write tonight the rain is falling. What a soothing and relaxing sound. There is nothing like being indoors with an opportunity to simply lie in bed and listen to the rain pouring. It is a cleansing sound. It makes my heart smile because we finally planted our rose garden for Zac last week and all this rain is exactly what my roses need. (I have to take a photo of our budding garden and post it soon.) I am so enjoying learning something new ... gardening. My precious Mommy Darling was here visiting me for Zac's celebration service when the roses started arriving. I have such beautiful memories of walking around the nursery, each picking...

6 weeks and 3 days. It's funny how the days matter for some reason. I don't know why - they just do. A friend of mine told me yesterday that she had been told the 6th week is known to be a tough week in grieving for some reason. I have to agree. For me the permanence of life this side of Heaven without Zac has really hit home. The ache that it leaves in its wake has the tears easily flowing.  I had plans to clean out the play room for the girls today, but after packing up the nursery and giving away bags of clothes and blankets that I had dreamed of seeing my sweet boy in, I just could not face it. Tears poured as I  had to come to a place of acceptance that I would never have photo's of Zac wrapped in some of the favorite outfits that had been so lovingly handpicked for him. The loss is profound. Somehow, everything is a reminder of my loss right now. Going to my precious Leelee's school concert had me in tears knowing that I would never go to one of Zac's s...

My Precious Zac, 5 weeks ago today you defied the odds and came into our world crying the sweetest cry that your mommy and daddy could ever hope to hear. The doctor's never thought that you would cry, but you showed them all my boy. Words like  "univentricular heart with a severe hypoplastic left ventricle syndrome"  followed by "major heart defect" ... "incompatible with life or corrective surgery" faded away as we finally got to meet you face to face. You were never anything but God's perfect gift to us my precious love boy. As long as I live I will never forget the wonder of your birth. I will never forget drinking in the sight of you for the first time as I prayed, kissed, cuddled and sang to you while you gently cried in my arms. I would do anything to hold you in my arms right now. Nothing could have given me more joy than seeing the bright glow of pure love that beamed from your daddy every moment that he was with you. The two of yo...