After a Saturday jam packed with so many "grief milestones" I have to say that I started the week on an emotional low. I had just negotiated my first baby shower after Zac's "graduation", a kiddies birthday party with mommy's who last saw me preggy and meeting the sweetest little baby boy, but watching my daughters pain written all over her face when holding him and having her cry later because neither her or her sister could understand why they cannot have their baby brother anymore. So many big questions to which I could not give all the answers to. It was just so much for my broken mommy's heart.
Everything about my weekend highlighted one fact loud and clear to me ... I'm "that" woman ... the one that I never ever thought I ever would be. The one that I always had such compassion for but could never really be able to say 'I know how you feel', because up until 7 weeks ago, I never would have ever understood how hard her walk would be. You know the person ... the one where it feels like everyone feels they have to walk very carefully around, because really, what can anyone say to these kinds of hardships. I totally felt like I had become "that" person that everyone looks at with sad eyes. Oh my gosh - I was having a good old pity party for myself, so mad that this has become "my reality" until the Lord gently started to show me the other side of my new role as 'grieving mom'.
He began to show me that, yes, I am "that" woman ... I am the one who has the privilege of having Jesus walk me personally through every minute of the day ... the one who knows that her faithful God has collected each tear that she has cried and will allow her to see the reward of an eternity spent with all her family together, with no more tears or sorrows. Yes, I am "that" woman ... the one who Jesus has blessed with the most precious family and friends who have been an amazing support. "That" woman that has made such precious connections with women from all walks of life who have written to me never having met me, to encourage and share similar journeys which strengthen my heart to know that I too will come through even as they have and are. As the week has progressed I am starting to see that I am blessed to be "that" woman ... because no matter what I will face in my life from here on in, I will never again have a fear of death because my Jesus has taught me through my precious little boy that death is not the end ... it is the entrance to life in it's fullest and most beautiful.
As I pondered these things I received a message from a new friend ... precious Val ... a lady who has many more years of experience than me, yet we have both encountered similar loss, though 40 years apart, but it has united our hearts ... and in her message I saw the privilege of being "that" woman who is given the gift of walking her child into the waiting, open arms of Love Himself who walks all who will give their hearts to Him, into the beautiful gates of Eternity. I got to do that with Zac, though so very early for my mother's-heart dreams, but I got to hold him as He entered the arms of the King of Glory. These things have a way of changing our lives forever and although the pain is unbearable at times, there are gifts in it too. The gift of seeing the love and compassion of our Saviour who understands our pain and understands that we do not see in full, which is why we ache so deeply, but who is patient enough to walk us through each day and grow in us a revelation of the bigger, beautiful picture.
So tonight I am going to sleep with a heart that has encountered deep loss, but even greater ... encountered profound "heart peace" and it is this heart peace that allows me to sleep soundly and even with a hint of a smile because I know that I am "that" woman who is always on the heart of God. Oh how I love you Jesus.
Love Janine xxx
Everything about my weekend highlighted one fact loud and clear to me ... I'm "that" woman ... the one that I never ever thought I ever would be. The one that I always had such compassion for but could never really be able to say 'I know how you feel', because up until 7 weeks ago, I never would have ever understood how hard her walk would be. You know the person ... the one where it feels like everyone feels they have to walk very carefully around, because really, what can anyone say to these kinds of hardships. I totally felt like I had become "that" person that everyone looks at with sad eyes. Oh my gosh - I was having a good old pity party for myself, so mad that this has become "my reality" until the Lord gently started to show me the other side of my new role as 'grieving mom'.
He began to show me that, yes, I am "that" woman ... I am the one who has the privilege of having Jesus walk me personally through every minute of the day ... the one who knows that her faithful God has collected each tear that she has cried and will allow her to see the reward of an eternity spent with all her family together, with no more tears or sorrows. Yes, I am "that" woman ... the one who Jesus has blessed with the most precious family and friends who have been an amazing support. "That" woman that has made such precious connections with women from all walks of life who have written to me never having met me, to encourage and share similar journeys which strengthen my heart to know that I too will come through even as they have and are. As the week has progressed I am starting to see that I am blessed to be "that" woman ... because no matter what I will face in my life from here on in, I will never again have a fear of death because my Jesus has taught me through my precious little boy that death is not the end ... it is the entrance to life in it's fullest and most beautiful.
As I pondered these things I received a message from a new friend ... precious Val ... a lady who has many more years of experience than me, yet we have both encountered similar loss, though 40 years apart, but it has united our hearts ... and in her message I saw the privilege of being "that" woman who is given the gift of walking her child into the waiting, open arms of Love Himself who walks all who will give their hearts to Him, into the beautiful gates of Eternity. I got to do that with Zac, though so very early for my mother's-heart dreams, but I got to hold him as He entered the arms of the King of Glory. These things have a way of changing our lives forever and although the pain is unbearable at times, there are gifts in it too. The gift of seeing the love and compassion of our Saviour who understands our pain and understands that we do not see in full, which is why we ache so deeply, but who is patient enough to walk us through each day and grow in us a revelation of the bigger, beautiful picture.
So tonight I am going to sleep with a heart that has encountered deep loss, but even greater ... encountered profound "heart peace" and it is this heart peace that allows me to sleep soundly and even with a hint of a smile because I know that I am "that" woman who is always on the heart of God. Oh how I love you Jesus.
Love Janine xxx
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