2 years later ...

I can hardly believe that it has been exactly 2 years since Zac entered our lives and then a day later went home to Heaven. Yesterday was his 2nd birthday and today his 2nd "angelversary". These 2 days of the year especially allow me to reflect back and remember the moments that continue to impact our hearts.

2 years ago today I could barely breath. For the first time in my life I experienced what desperate longing truly felt like. My son had taken his last breath in my arms as I sang over him. It was the most peaceful, serene moment. There was no fear or panic or trauma. One moment he was looking into my eyes, and the next he was looking into Jesus' eyes. That moment was so sacred ... but it was the pain that came after when I realised that I would never be able to have the privilege of raising him this side of Heaven. There are no words for that kind of desperation. As a parent you would do anything to change things, but it is not in your hands. There are only a few who truly understand this moment, and I have been so privileged to get to know many others who have been there. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to describe the brokenness, loss and desperate longing, for just one more moment alive and in my arms. Carrying him for 9 months and being allowed to have him alive for 21 and a half hours had left a "forever seal of love" on our hearts. Just to have what we had ... we would do it all again, even knowing the outcome because it was that precious to us. 

As I go back to that moment laying in a hospital bed crying myself to sleep, I so clearly recall sensing the closeness of Jesus like never before. He was there with me in the pain, washing my heart with His grace. He whispered promises of hope to me in my brokenness. Even in the most intense pain, He was offering me a safe place to hide in His love. He is the One who has walked us through every moment of this 2 year journey and allowed us to discover the depths of His life, love and tender mercies with each new day. 2 years ago I didn't know how I would ever be able to take a breath without the pain. Yet God has graciously helped us to negotiate the many highs and lows of grief ... tackling the many emotions with honesty and truth. He is the reason that I continue to write and share Zac's story, because even through such pain, He has taught us about living each day with a Living Hope. Today, even as we miss our precious son so very much, there is peace in our hearts, because God stepped into our perspective and began to teach us to see LIFE. In Zac's honour, we finally found the perfect frame to hang his picture on our wall. It represents all that we feel in our hearts

21 and a half hours was more than enough time to continue inspiring us as his family to live worthy of the calling on our lives to share his story and give testimony of the living hope and heart healing that we have in Jesus. 

2 years later and we know that we are that much closer to seeing this sweet boy again and with a bigger family reunion too. To all who read this post may you truly see and know that GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

All my love xxx

Janine