9 months

Precious Zac,

9 months ago you were born into our waiting arms. It still seems so surreal that we were chosen to carry you for 9 months and to be able to hold you for a day. The memories of every one of those hours are a gift beyond words ever expressing. You continue to shape our hearts and lives sweet boy. Today I find myself weighing so much up. There is the sadness of missing you being in our everyday world so much, but I am also mindful of the privilege of being entrusted with your story. I don't understand it all, but a day will come when you will sit on my lap in Heaven as Father God unpacks it all for this mommy''s heart to finally see in full. For now I will hold onto the promise that God handpicked your life and every moment that you lived. We stand amazed that your story continues to touch peoples lives with God's love and tenderness. It shows me that while you may be in Heaven, you are very much alive and never separated from the love in our hearts to share with you. What a gift of love the Father gave us through salvation and eternal life. While we live a world apart, I glimpse in my heart just how close Heaven truly is. Father is using your life beautifully and I am allowing that truth to protect my heart today as I miss you so very much. The same way He is watching over you, He is watching over our hearts as we heal.

Today daddy reminded me of something that brings us so much comfort. Before we ever knew about your broken heart while I was carrying you, God sent someone that daddy had never met to give him a word from God to hold on to. The man said that God had shown him a picture of an aloe (daddy LOVES aloes). Then the man said that he saw a leaf of that aloe being picked off and being re-planted into another garden and God would tell him that daddy was not to worry about this person, because God was re-planting that person and much growth and blessing would come after that. God then showed him a picture of a big aloe plant completely surrounded by many little aloes symbolizing abundance. At the time, we thought it applied to a certain relationship which had caused us some disappointment, but the amazing thing is that when we came back from Cape Town and began to plan your "birthday party" (we couldn't bare to call it a funeral), so many beautiful flowers began to arrive at the house. On a particularly tough day the doorbell rang to drop off a delivery from out of town. In the midst of this hamper of food and blessings was a pot with an aloe in it completely surrounded by baby aloes! It was the EXACT picture the man had described in detail, but the gift was sent from somebody else who had no idea what the Lord had shared with us. That aloe is growing beautifully on our veranda. It brings your daddy so much joy. It's grown so much that he has already had to re-pot it. That makes me smile as I imagine your growth and how you are fulfilling your Heavenly calling. Baby boy, by God's grace we are growing too, and this gift of a brother or sister for you and your big sisters growing inside of me is just another gift of amazing grace from our gracious Jesus. 

(This is what it looked like then ... it's now 3 times the size and ready for another new pot!)

Today, as always, know that you are a special smile in your mommy and daddy's hearts. We love you and anticipate eternity with you. As Jesus holds you, give him a smile and giggle from me. 

All my love forever,

Mommy xoxox