I am constantly amazed at what a roller coaster ride grief is. Today has been a strong day. I woke up early to have an invigorating walk on the beach with friends. By 8:30 I was booked in for a deluxe pedicure from a friend. So fun to have bright pink toenails ;0) I came home and lay on a garden chair outside soaking up some Summer sunshine and started reading a beautiful book by Max Lucado that I am LOVING ... it's called "Facing your Giants". Seriously ... that man has the most beautiful gift in expression. His words paint such vivid pictures which make God's truths so real and understandable.
I had a good afternoon with the girls doing homework, playing games and ending off with a precious devotional reading together. Now tonight as my little girls are tucked into bed and my hubby is relaxing, I sit here in my rocking chair in what should have been Zac's room and I feel drawn to close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to have my little boy in my arms as I rock him to sleep. The missing is so strong tonight. I just want to sit here and remember every tiny detail about my precious son. I want to imagine how much he has grown and how his little features have developed. It hurts to have to wait to see how he has blossomed in Heaven.
I kept some of my special little outfits and blankets that were lovingly chosen for this precious little boy that we had so longed for. I want to pull them all out and hold them just to remember, but to look at them will make the pain worse today. It breaks my heart that I won't ever be able to take any photo's of him wearing those sweet outfits. I remember the giddiness that I felt when I picked out so many of those precious little things, just beside myself that we were having another little darling. I had no idea how much this little boy would change each of our hearts forever. We fell head over heels in love with him from the day that we found out I was pregnant. This time last year I was just about to find out that I was pregnant. I would do anything to go back in time and have those precious months carrying him all over again, just to feel him and know his closeness again. We knew such joy. Now to not have him with us now just feels so wrong. It's an emptiness that I could never describe. I ache over the wrongness of it all.
When we were told in Cape Town that Zac did have a serious heart defect and that they weren't sure anything could be done for him, I remember flying home on the airplane with tears streaming down my face imagining myself sitting in this rocking chair with no baby to take home. I remember vividly choosing in that moment to choose life and heart peace. I did not want my little boy to absorb anything but peace, faith, hope and love coming from his mommy and daddy. Now I sit here in this chair and absorb the reality of the picture that played through my mind that day. It is now my reality and now is our time to cry and grieve for the loss of the dearest little boy that we would have done anything to have the privilege to raise. I have no regrets for the way we believed and guarded our hearts during the remainder of our pregnancy. It allowed us to love even deeper and it gave our Zac the gift of seeing that he was nothing but our greatest joy and delight as his mom, dad and sisters. I so wish it had all turned out differently. I just have to keep drawing on the fact that he now lives in the most abundant life and love and a day will come when we will share in that with him.
So for tonight, I am going to let the tears pour. I am going to remember everything I can about my sweet boy and then I am going to allow the grace filled comfort of my Loving Saviour to wrap around my heart and give me renewed strength to face another day tomorrow to tackle all the highs and lows that will come with it. I know that He is redeeming and restoring and also that it is a process of healing.
Forever carried by His grace,
Janine
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Oh, my sweet sister in Christ. How I wish I could hold you and hug you so hard right now and just cry with you. Know you have a friend, although physically so far away, I am right there with you in my heart. I am praying for you right now.
Hi Janine,
I was praying fervently for you last night, and I didn't know why...now I do. He has brought you to mind so many times over the past few weeks, and one evening I lay in bed, in tears, because I could see how He was working in your life. My devotion spoke of trusting Him and praising Him through the good days, so that when the trials came, I would be able to trust and praise Him automatically, without hesitation. That is hard for me. I prayed and asked Him to create that in me. I had no idea what it would look like (I told Him). It was then that He brought your picture to mind. He told me to look at you. Then I remembered your joy and praise through each normal, everyday situation (before Zac). I remembered it. Then I remembered the difficult journey you are now on...I realized that He was showing me exactly what my devotion was speaking of...through you. I prayed to one day have the strength and faith that you have. I just wanted you to know that through your trial, He is working. I know it doesn't help the pain, but I still wanted you to know.
On another note, after reading your post, I thought that maybe one day, when it isn't as painful, you could make a quilt out of those clothes, and any blankets or other items you had for him. You could even print a copy of his footprint onto fabric and make that a square for your quilt. It would be a tangible way to be embraced by him. Just an idea :)
love you!
Kelli