Dear Zac ... How is it going Up There?

Dear Zac,

4 months my little love. Exactly 4 months since you gazed into mommy's eyes and then Heaven engulfed you. While I never want to re-live the intense pain and shock of having to let you go, I so wish I could be back in the moment with you looking into my eyes. It was the most sacred moment I have ever experienced. One moment you were looking deep into my heart and the next you were looking into the eyes of Jesus. Somewhere in my heart I knew Father God was giving me a gift in that moment -  a last look to treasure till our eyes lock onto each other again in Heaven. These are the gifts that come only through great pain. There is such a Holy presence of God when we are given the opportunity of seeing someone we love step into eternity with Jesus. Just allowing myself to think back to those moments brings so many emotions that I have no words to express. You know in full and see with even greater clarity than I will for a long time still to come. You now see everything through God's perspective. That gives me strength as I work through the hard moments and allow myself to remember our time together. Today I need to look back on that day. There is healing in facing my pain and choosing to see the gifts. That day will always be the most intense moments of my life, weighted with the very presence of God bearing witness to such a sacred moment. This is the hope that we have in Christ alone. With the floods of pain, comes the very person and essence of Grace to hold and guide us through the deep waters of grief. Somehow He doesn't allow those waters to overcome us. He carries us through. My boy, that is the only way that mommy can handle the grief and longing. It is by letting go and allowing Jesus to carry me, your daddy and little sisters.

My heart tells me that you smile when Jesus tells you how we are doing. You know that we are going to come through. I don't always know how that is possible, but my heart assures me of that truth when I hurt the most. (Sometimes I am convinced we swapped hearts that day - it sure feels like half my heart disappeared the day I kissed you goodbye). But, you and I both know that Jesus is so faithful in tending to our hearts with love and truth to assure us of where you are and that the very reminder of your life points us to Him and urges us to point others to the One who holds you securely in His arms. The same God who gave you a whole heart in Heaven is healing our hearts here on earth. Because of you a story is being told about the faithfulness of a loving God who tends to the broken hearted. That will always be our story to tell, because Jesus has used your very presence in our lives to teach us many deep truths about His love. It is our priceless treasure to have you as our son. The scars we carry in our hearts are a beautiful reminder of a God with whom nothing is impossible. He is the mender of all brokenness. We wear these scars with honor, because when we see what only God could possibly piece back together, we see His fingerprints all over our lives.  

While I know that we are in a process of healing, I also have to tell you how much we ache for you. Grief is hard my boy, and I am glad that you have been spared of ever having to face it. My missing you is a constant reminder to see the privilege of every moment raising your sisters. It's not always easy trying to see clearly through grief. Some days are really hard on all of us. Grief makes us emotional (Oh my word! You must be so proud of how your daddy handles all 3 of us emotional girls!). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed having to learn how to guide your sisters through their pain and still help them cope with school and growing up, when I myself am trying to see through the fog of pain. Again - His grace meets me. Again, your presence has changed forever the way I now parent. Walking into a room I have just cleaned to discover it covered in blankets, pillows and almost everything else your sisters could possibly make a fort out of is now OK. In fact - its a prized memory. Before I would have been frustrated with more work to do. Now I see the gift of a childhood memory that I can witness being lived out in front of me. Your sisters will give you high fives for making mommy lighten up over the small stuff ;0)
Today I am wondering what songs are being sung to you in your Heavenly nursery. I'm sure the singing would take my breathe away. I know you are swaddled in Divine love and that Jesus is faithfully passing on all those kisses mommy keeps sending your way.  

Daddy is busy reading bedtime stories to your sisters. I wonder if Jesus sometimes lets you peek in? That makes me smile. Mommy better go kiss those girls goodnight. I love you my sweet boy.
Love mommy xxx