My hubby and I often look at each other and ask ourselves if everything we have just gone through really happened. There are moments where it all just feels so surreal because you never in a billion years thought you would ever go through something like what you are going through. Grief is weird like that. You just don't know how you are going to feel or what emotions you are going to face until you are having to face it all head on. There are moments where you feel perfectly fine and then within seconds your heart feels like it will take an eternity to feel whole again. There are also milestones that you have to face along the way - some that you are aware of and others that you only know are a milestone once you have faced certain moments. One of those milestones for me is settling back into a "normal" routine. Everything inside me screams out that life is not meant to ever be the same again and yet everything around me continues on as it always has. This is one of the things I am tackling this week. All my family has gone home and now the routines with the girls doing homework and sports etc is what it always used to be. Part of me finds comfort in the old routine and another part of me rages that I want everything to be different. I want to be immersed in having a newborn in our home taking up most of my time. I guess it's just part of the journey as I negotiate everyday life without my sweet baby boy.
I realise that everyday I have a choice. I can either be swallowed up in grief or I can choose to see how closely Jesus is standing with us in the midst of our pain. Knowing that He is close doesn't take the pain of loss away, but it allows me to grieve with hope. Hope that I will one day hold my son in my arms again. Hope that as a family we will continue to grow from strength to strength in our journey of life and love. Hope that we will all come through whole with God's healing hand over our hearts. Oh my goodness ... life truly is full of millions of emotions. I am so thankful that He is a God who understands and walks through each of these emotions with me and is somehow placing my heart back together one piece at a time.
I realise that everyday I have a choice. I can either be swallowed up in grief or I can choose to see how closely Jesus is standing with us in the midst of our pain. Knowing that He is close doesn't take the pain of loss away, but it allows me to grieve with hope. Hope that I will one day hold my son in my arms again. Hope that as a family we will continue to grow from strength to strength in our journey of life and love. Hope that we will all come through whole with God's healing hand over our hearts. Oh my goodness ... life truly is full of millions of emotions. I am so thankful that He is a God who understands and walks through each of these emotions with me and is somehow placing my heart back together one piece at a time.
Janine xoxox
Comments
All my love xxxxx
Sending love and prayers,
Cynthia
http://www.adreamadoption.blogspot.com
Love,
Momxxxxx
I have followed you in these last two months and I see clearly, even over the Internet the move of God in your life and family. How have glorified the Lord with a broken and contrite heart! This attracts the heart of God. Get ready for what God will do even more in you and through you. certainly the name of the Lord shall be blessed in the lives of all who are reached by the testimony that turned out of your mouth.
Daughters of Sarah, not only in Brazil but in many parts of the world love and pray for you and your blessed family.
Kisses and peace of mind and heart!
Here from the Netherlands, I wish I could hug you ;-)
Reading your post, I had to think about the song 'Precious Child'. I think you already know it, but I post it for sure... (it's also on youtube)
PRECIOUS CHILD
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God bless
Tracy