Love in Action Journey

Exactly 3 months ago today you were born. I held you in my arms and knew such relief. I had no idea that my time with you would be so short. My heart knew only overwhelming love for you and faith that defies fear. I now see what a gift that faith was. It allowed me to be fully present with peace, instead of fear and panic for the time that we were given with you. It was pure joy to finally see you and hold you in our arms. I remember stroking your sweet little nose and kissing you over and over again and looking up into the smiling eyes of your courageous Daddy. My boy - I know that you are so proud of your Daddy - the way he fought for you and stood fearlessly in faith, believing for your best. Both Daddy and I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that we don't think about you and miss you with all our hearts. Your sisters talk to mommy about you so much. We all have a debate on about who will get to see you in Heaven first ;0) Whoever it will be ... they will have so many hugs an

Tonight is another one of those nights where the tears do not want to stop falling. Everything inside of me feels so broken that I wonder how I will ever feel whole again. I feel like I am permanently negotiating a million different emotions in a day. There are moments where hope is so clear that I can glimpse a perspective more beautiful than my brokenness would dare for me to believe, but then there comes a moment like this afternoon that knocks my breathe away ... my daughters taking turns at falling into my arms in floods of tears at the injustice of such a short lifespan for their little brother. How do I take their pain away? Or the moment where I cried with my sister today as I realized that I could never again hold the beautiful blue and green quilt that she lovingly made for Zac, because the day that he died I could not bare for him to be taken away from me without being wrapped up in something warm that was woven in love and prayers, made with faith in the promise of hope. M

It's been a little quiet over at my blog these last few days ... just in a reflective head space I guess. We have also been hard at work getting our home ready for my precious sister , brother in law, nieces and extended family who are arriving for the Christmas holidays. Roll on Friday ;0) I love the thought of squeezing an extra 6 people into our humble home. It just makes me miss my precious Mommy Darling who usually comes home from the US for Christmas - but we were spoilt to have 2 visits with her during the year. My dad, Brett's folks and siblings are all away on well deserved holidays after a really full year.   The girls slept out at their Granny and Poppi last night, so hubby and I took the gap to go out for dinner and a movie. We watched New Years Eve. I sobbed watching the shots of the newborn babies in the hospital nurseries, just being reminded again how much I miss Zac and how I so wish it could have been different. After the movie, I bumped into a friend who t

I just read such a beautiful verse! "Behold, the Lord's eye is upon those who fear Him (who revere and worship Him with awe), who wait for Him and hope in His mercy and loving-kindness." Psalm 33:18 This verse speaks so deeply to my heart, because as I look back over the last few months since we first heard Zac's heart diagnosis and all the highs and lows that followed, one thing that I can say for certain is that all along I have known that His eye has been upon us as a family. As I stop to reflect today, I remember the lengths that the Lord went to, to show us His amazing attention to detail to express His love and Presence to us in every moment that we have faced. He raised up an army of believers to stand with us as a family, who encouraged us and loved us through what should have been the hardest time. Every day leading up to Zac's birth was supernaturally protected in "heart peace" because He had His eye on us, sending so many to love us and

I've been excited to post this for a while. Today I want to share with you some books and blogs that have been a wonderful source of encouragement to me over the last few weeks since Zac's graduation. I am so thankful for those who have had the courage to share so openly about their journey and the pearls of wisdom that God has given to them through their experiences. A few days after Zac passed, while I was still in absolute shock and just immersed in the pain of loss, a bloggy friend told me about this book that she had read that helped her so much after her precious 3 year old daughter became a Heavenly citizen :0) It is written by the parents of a 19 year old young man who passed away suddenly in an accident. It was such an encouragement to open my eyes to a more Heavenly perspective. These parents have such a real picture of where there son is and how Josiah is fulfilling his ultimate calling. The book is called "Have Heart" by Steve & Sarah Berger. They

This week took me by surprise. It was intense and emotional in so many ways. It took me by surprise because I could not pin point why it should be such a difficult week. It just was. It's 10 weeks down the road and while I know the amazing comfort of the Lord each day leading me through ... it is none the less a journey of negotiating grief. Today I want to share openly about some of the tough aspects that I am facing as a Christian dealing with grief. Something that pops up often lately are conversations or statements that lead me to wonder if it is wrong that I am still hurting. Someone stopped me in the shopping mall and said "So are you ok now?" with the rest of the conversation implying if we have "moved on" as a family. This is a conversation that has taken place as soon as 2 weeks from Zac's 'graduation". People are so desperate for you to "be ok". It comes from a place of their love for you to be whole, but it is awkward none th

My girls are both on holiday!!! I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the exams are all over, the girls have both passed and we have weeks of sleeping-in to look forward to! I am so proud of my beautiful daughters who have faced this year with incredible faith and courage. The fact that my eldest was able to not only face her first experience of exams, but excel at them too makes me want to fall at the feet of my faithful King and just weep. She had such a hard term last term with all the uncertainties in the pregnancy, that coming back to this term she had to work extra hard to pull through. It was such a huge faith journey for me to have to trust the Lord for wisdom in preparing her for exams and filling in the gaps where she battled last term, all whilst dealing with grief at it's rawest. Well ... this little warrior princess is a champion in my books! She really worked diligently, we prayed hard and now she is seeing how the Lord brought her through. I am so proud of her.

Today has been a really hard day for me. I feel taken aback by the waves of grief. Lately I feel like I have somehow been coping and seeing perspective again, but then a day like today arrives and reminds me that I am completely heart broken. I just want the tears to pour to somehow wash the pain and longing away. It's not a pain based on hopelessness or depression, just the sheer sadness of loss. It's the reality of Zac never being able to be in my arms until I see him again in Heaven. It's the sadness of realising that we will never all be together this side of Heaven for Christmases, birthdays and special occasions. In fact, it's more the intense sadness of just not being able to share every day life here on earth as a family all together. It's the confusion of why this ever happens to anyone?! I don't like to linger on the "why's" because I know that even if I did know "why", it wouldn't change my reality. I am just so broken to

Over the last few months, all my posts have been about anticipating meeting my precious baby boy and then my journey of negotiating grief. As I was seeking God's wisdom with regards to the purpose of this blog, I have been met with a strong conviction to keep blogging my walk at this time. For the time being I sense His heart is for me to share openly and honestly about the experience of outliving a child, as sadly, it is something that many others have and will also go through. My prayer is that this will be a place of encouragement for anyone hurting. While I do not have all of the answers , I do believe that even in the midst of "walking through the fire", so to speak, we are called to testify and that is my greatest hearts desire. To testify to the love and person of Jesus Christ, because it is Him alone who has given us as a family the ability to endure and find "heart peace" in the storm of loss and pain because of His priceless gift of Salvation which gu